Link Of The Evening:

http://thecurvature.com/2007/09/03/disability-is-a-feminist-issue/

Check it out!

xoxo,

Annie

Willing Myself To Draw

I managed to fall out of bed today. I win at life.

These sketches are gorgeous. If I can get up the ambition later, I might pull out the drawing pad myself.

These made me laugh :).


http://itmademyday.com/

http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/

Both high in amusement value.

xoxo,

Annie

Epic Rant 101

Ow. Ow. And once again, OW.

I am beyond all realms of frustrated. I keep thinking I should be able to fix this...a better diet, more sleep, stronger coping mechanisms. But nothing works!

I have good moments throughout the day (usually the afternoons...I have horrible mornings and evenings). They make me feel guilty for not contributing more to society. Those glimmers of health also help me realize that I do, in fact, feel off. Bad. Not right.

The headaches/stomachaches are back with a vengeance and I feel plagued by what can only be best described by that of a poison all throughout my body. My best example is the way you feel the day before a virus fully takes hold of your body - sluggish, nauseous, painful, and like you should be in bed all day. It is actually uncomfortable to be in my body vastly more than the alternative.

And I don't know what causes it! Is it the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia? Is it the diagnosis of mental illness? Is it both? Is it a nervous system issue? It will be at least 3 months before I see another doctor willing to look into this.

So as I sit here in my chair, after laying on the bottom of the shower hoping the heat would take away my pain, I wish for answers. I don't even need to know that it can be fixed. Just tell me what I am up against and if I'm taking the best course of action.

Sigh. I'll go get the Gabapentin filled tomorrow and go back to my higher dosing.

I'll do a picture post later and stop being so damn depressing.

xoxo,

Annie

Random Internet Anger

I'm kind of ashamed to admit that I occasionally read Perez Hilton.

Like most females.

I stumbled upon this post this morning and rage welled up under my skin.

http://perezhilton.com/2010-02-03-ingrate-2.

I'm sure there are a million things she'd potentially want out of life. God knows I couldn't handle that kind of publicity.

Argh.

A Healthy Home

It is almost unhealthy how much I love my apartment.

It is my sanctuary, my refuge from the world, my creative center. It is where tonight I sit in my older, brown La-Z-Boy recliner, with a cup of Tazo Calm tea, a hand-knitted blanket, a pillow behind my very painful back, and this laptop.

I hide in here a lot. This is a place where I have very little fear; unlike out in the real world, which always seems to eat me alive. My books keep me company, I can slip into the stories of people with lives much more exciting than my own. A world without pain. A world with answers.

I have prints of rich paintings on the wall and a red curtain that looks like raw spun silk over the window. These are such simple little details of decadence for someone without a lot of funds. Red is my power color. It makes me feel alive. Very few things manage to accomplish that task these days.

My recommendations coming from my tired middle-of-the-night mind are:

1. Always use the best you can afford (within budget) to treat your body and mind. If that means you love organic food, then love organic food. If that means you want to sleep on 500 thread count sheets, do that. If you want to buy the most expensive tea on the shelf at the grocery store because it is the only beverage that can make you feel sane, go for it! Life is short and your body/mind are all you truly have so treat them well.
2. Let the right one in. This is technically the name of a vampire movie. A good one at that. But what I mean is, bring people into your life who don't judge you. People who think you are good, who encourage you to take the next step and let you cry on their shoulder when it is needed. Being picky with your boyfriend/friends/occasionally family is your right and you need to make sure you are being respected.
3. Get a hobby. Actually get a few. Make your home reflective of these, and leave inspiration pictures, projects, and tools around. It is important to feel like you are accomplishing goals and not just sitting around collecting dust.
4. Learn and Do. Especially more about how to treat your body/mind better. The healthier and happier you are, the better energy you can spread to those around you. I try to work on this every single day. Incorporate it into your space, with a well-stocked fridge, and perhaps goals framed on the wall.
5. Don't get stuck in your safe-zone. I'm trying to learn to take my own advice, but it's hard to not hibernate in comfort. I need a push every now and then.

Also, note to self: desperately require humidifier to make this place more comfortable and stop my increasing nosebleeds. Glargh.

Awesome stress advice I found...and can't remember the source. Someone please tell me in the comments!!

At The Movies

I have been having a harder time reading and writing lately, but as a result of spending a lot of time laying down, I have viewed a couple movies of interest.

I wasn't expecting much from Away We Go. Surprisingly, it crawled right up there into one of my favorite movies. It tries a little too hard to be quirky...opening scene anyone??...but otherwise it is a brilliant example into the fact that deep down, we all have a little bit of a fuck-up in us. The scene with the stroller was enough to have me laughing so hard tears were running down my face.

This is impressive when usually I have tears of frustration, or depending on the medication, no tears at all.

Drew Barrymore's directorial debut, Whip It, was the next movie on my watch list. Now don't get me wrong, I love Ellen Page. I mean what's not to love: she's a great actress, she's from Halifax, she's adorable, she's smart...but I feel like they tried tooooooo hard to turn her into the alterna-chick poster girl. I wouldn't go out of my way to watch this movie again, but I was fascinated to learn more about roller derby girls. That is the best part by far.

I have a feeling the guilt of staying home is going to convince me I need to start applying for jobs again.

Ahhhhhhh.

Why is being a sick adult so complicated?!?

xoxo,

Annie

Things That Bug Me Mondays

It's a new week!

I almost like this blog for the sense that it tells me I've made it through another one. Cheery thought to start the day there.

Anyways now it's time to grump to the world:

• People questioning my view of the world, especially in regards to the pain in my own body. I feel like I should be the one who knows...and yet when they make me think about it too hard, I lose my footing and feel like crawling in bed until I feel safe in taking a stance again.
• Headaches. So many headaches.
• Running out of grey thread for my cross-stitch which came in a package. Seriously, shouldn't they pack a little extra in there for if you ever made a mistake?? Now I need to get someone to go out into the world and find me something similar in color because I have put in too much work to not finish it.
• Not having enough energy to do anything other than open a can of food and pop it in the microwave.
• Microwaved food being gross.
• Being lonely.
• The fact that I'm pretty sure I live with people selling drugs and the hallway traffic is annoying (I guess I could invite them in and not be lonely anymore!! HA that would be a horrible life choice).
• The idea of moving. It seems so lovely, and yet like it would be so much work it would simply kill me. Blah.

Okay.

Now I must be reasonably happy for the week again.

Post any grumpy comments here :P.

xoxo,

Annie