Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Feeling My Mortality

Sometimes the state of my health terrifies me. I think about death constantly and wonder if that is where I'm headed. For awhile, I thought it would be a joyous relief. These days, I have someone in my life (other than my immediate family) that I want to keep living for, as the thought of hurting them breaks my heart.

I'm not terribly religious, and as a result, the thought of death seems rather finite to me. The thought of myself rotting away in the ground is not one I find particularly appealing. Especially not at the ripe ol' age of 22.

Over the past few weeks I have been back to my insomnia days, sleeping maybe 4 hours a night on a good night. I constantly feel like I'm dragging my ass, plus my nausea goes through the roof when I'm sleep deprived. The weider part is that even when I get sleep over the past year, I'm noticing terrifying fatigue symptoms. I often feel trapped within my own body when it gets to tired to function - sometimes getting up to go to the bathroom is a near impossible task. I was in Sobeys last night with my boyfriend and I nearly fell down on a million occasions as I was too tired to stand or think. Unfortunately, when I try to sleep while in this state, my mind is too active to ever let me fall asleep. When my mind is tired, I suffer restless leg syndrome. Perhaps I've managed to brainwash myself that it is absolutely impossible to win, who knows.

My headaches/migraines are back with a vengeance - just in time for CTV news to be reporting about more liver toxicity deaths as a result of tylenol overindulgence (something I am guilty of on a regular basis...).

I wish I had any answers.

It looks like my OJT has again fallen through, so I might be able to line something up to work in the hospital part time as an Administrative Assistant. I hope I'll be able to get through it.

Not that anyone really frequents this blog, but if anyone does and has advice: How do you deal with thoughts of death when they are something so prominent in your life?

1 comment:

tina.ari said...

I'm having a weekend in bed, thanks to my lovely RA, so I'm catching up on reading blogs that I have wanted to read!! As for the mortality issue, I'm so with you on this. I find that I'm more prone to these thoughts when I've had no sleep (like last night...which ended with me finally crying myself to sleep...which usually induces the absolute STRANGEST dreams). Unfortunately, I have no solutions for the insomnia or the whacked out thoughts. I just wanted to let you know that you weren't alone in that aspect!! :)