Feeling My Mortality

Sometimes the state of my health terrifies me. I think about death constantly and wonder if that is where I'm headed. For awhile, I thought it would be a joyous relief. These days, I have someone in my life (other than my immediate family) that I want to keep living for, as the thought of hurting them breaks my heart.

I'm not terribly religious, and as a result, the thought of death seems rather finite to me. The thought of myself rotting away in the ground is not one I find particularly appealing. Especially not at the ripe ol' age of 22.

Over the past few weeks I have been back to my insomnia days, sleeping maybe 4 hours a night on a good night. I constantly feel like I'm dragging my ass, plus my nausea goes through the roof when I'm sleep deprived. The weider part is that even when I get sleep over the past year, I'm noticing terrifying fatigue symptoms. I often feel trapped within my own body when it gets to tired to function - sometimes getting up to go to the bathroom is a near impossible task. I was in Sobeys last night with my boyfriend and I nearly fell down on a million occasions as I was too tired to stand or think. Unfortunately, when I try to sleep while in this state, my mind is too active to ever let me fall asleep. When my mind is tired, I suffer restless leg syndrome. Perhaps I've managed to brainwash myself that it is absolutely impossible to win, who knows.

My headaches/migraines are back with a vengeance - just in time for CTV news to be reporting about more liver toxicity deaths as a result of tylenol overindulgence (something I am guilty of on a regular basis...).

I wish I had any answers.

It looks like my OJT has again fallen through, so I might be able to line something up to work in the hospital part time as an Administrative Assistant. I hope I'll be able to get through it.

Not that anyone really frequents this blog, but if anyone does and has advice: How do you deal with thoughts of death when they are something so prominent in your life?