Thursday, September 30, 2010

Virtual Book Tour - How To Be Sick by Toni Bernhard!!

I am oh so pleased to bring Toni Bernhard's virtual book tour to my blog!!  Toni has been a friend to myself and this blog for a long time now, and she is just as wise as she is wonderful.  I am working my way through the book right now, and even though it pains me to hear how she got sick, it comforts me to know that I am not alone in my fight with this crippling illness.  By merging the beautiful teachings of Buddhism and the issues of the chronically ill and their caregivers, Toni has managed to produce a book that is going to be a great comfort to the all of those dealing with sickness (directly or indirectly). HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.
Virtual Book Tour
Q: How did you get sick?
Toni: I fell ill on a trip to Paris in 2001 with what the doctors initially thought was an acute viral infection, but I never recovered. After six months, I was given the diagnosis of ME/CFS (Myalgic Encephomyalitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), although since that time, several other acronyms have been used to describe my illness, such as VICD (Viral Induced Central Nervous System Dysfunction) – a working theory of an Infectious Disease doctor from Stanford.
Q: How did you come to write the book?
Toni: I was completely unprepared for such a drastic change in my life. I was a law professor. I liked to travel to see my family. I liked to go on meditation retreats. I was active in the life of a young boy as his CASA (Court-Appointed Special Advocate). Suddenly, I couldn’t do any of those things. Despite years of Buddhist practice before I got sick, I fell into alternating states of denial, anger, self-blame, and even despair. We live in a culture that worships at the altar of wellness. It’s okay to get sick, but then you’re supposed to get better. Everyone expected that of me and I expected that of myself. Every night I went to bed expecting to wake up feeling like my old self even though for months and then years it had not been the case. So, in addition to my physical suffering I was suffering a lot in the mind. It took 5-6 years to find my way back to the Buddha’s teachings on suffering and to the many practices that can help alleviate these painful thoughts and emotions. Once I began to change my relationship to chronic illness, I wanted to share it with others, so I wrote the book. The book is not about my particular illness. It’s intended for anyone suffering from a chronic illness or condition.
Q: How has Buddhism helped you cope with chronic illness?
Toni: First, it’s helped me understand my suffering. Second, it’s helped me to work with the stressful thoughts and painful emotions that accompany chronic illness and chronic pain. I think of the Buddha the way the Dalai Lama does – as a great psychologist. He had a keen understanding of how the mind works. Everyone’s life has its unique mixture of joy and suffering. The Buddha focused on suffering because it’s a truth about life that we tend to ignore or turn away from. It comes from the Pali word, dukkha which really means dissatisfaction with the circumstances of our life. In the first noble truth, the Buddha simply stated that, despite our best efforts to avoid it, everyone has their share of dukkha – both physical and mental –  meaning we’re all dissatisfied in some way with our life. For one thing, we’re in bodies and bodies get injured and sick and old. Dukkha for me has included this illness. For others it could be frustration on the job, tension in a relationship, a bad living situation, even frustration over not being able to find your car keys!
It may sound counterintuitive, but when I started to really take in this first noble truth, I felt a great sense of relief. Finally, someone was describing life in a way that fit a good portion of my experience. What a relief to know it wasn’t just me or just my life!
So, we’re all dissatisfied with some of the circumstances of our life – unless we’re enlightened, of course! In fact, that’s my own personal definition of enlightenment: not being dissatisfied with the circumstances of my life. Just imagine for a moment not being dissatisfied in any way with how your life is going – opening your heart and mind to the unpleasant stuff too; just giving up all longing for your life to be other than it is. Just for a moment, drop all that craving, all that desire. It’s a relief, isn’t it? Those “wants/don’t wants” (as I like to refer to longing or craving) will almost immediately pop back into your mind, but it’s a taste of freedom, a taste that lingers.
The bottom line is: We have the life we’ve got – with its unique configuration of joy and suffering. We can’t always get rid of bodily suffering – the Buddha experienced great bodily pain at times. But we need not add mental suffering to that bodily suffering. We can do something about painful emotions, such as worry, fear, anger, resentment. We can do something about this constant craving for things to be other than they are in our lives. We can do something about stressful thoughts that, when left unquestioned, can lead us to spin elaborate stories we tell ourselves about our life and our future – stories that have little basis in reality.
Q: How does the book address this mental suffering?
Toni: That’s the heart of the book – specific practices that help loosen the tight-fisted grip that painful mental states have on us. One way to do this is to bring them to awareness (sometimes called mindfulness), to expose them to the light where we can see them for what they really are – impermanent for one thing (thank goodness), and also not inherently a fixed part of our identity. We are not just our pain. We are not just our illness.
The book contains several practices, some Buddhist some not, that help us question the validity of our stressful thoughts – those stories we spin about our lives – that have little basis in fact (“I’ve ruined my partner’s life,” “My friends don’t care about me.”). I’ve been helped tremendously here by Byron Katie’s technique for questioning the validity of our thoughts (there’s a chapter in the book devoted to her work) and also by a couple of Zen practices that keep me questioning my assumptions. “Am I Sure?” I’m always asking (thanks to Thich Naht Hanh). Am I sure the doctor I saw doesn’t care about me? Maybe he’s terribly overbooked today. Am I sure my friend has lost interest in me? Maybe she has problems of her own.
And the book contains many practices to help loosen the grip of painful emotions. Since emotions manifest in the body, this can even help alleviate our physical symptoms. One way to loosen their grip is to consciously cultivate calm and gentle mind states such as loving-kindness, compassion (both of these for ourselves first), and equanimity.
Some Buddhist scholars even equate equanimity with enlightenment, saying that if we can be calmly present with both our pleasant and unpleasant experiences, riding the waves of life’s ups and downs without the constant craving for things to be other than they are, we’ll know complete peace. And then, as the Thai forest monk, Ajahn Chah liked to say: “Our troubles with the world will have come to an end.” (On this score, I’m a work in progress!)
Q: What challenges do you specifically address in the book?
Toni: Whether chronically ill or otherwise disabled, we face so many sudden and unexpected challenges.
Here are some I talk about in the book: coping with the relentlessness of symptoms and with the
disappointment of failed treatments; learning not to blame ourselves for being sick; overcoming fear about the
future; coming to terms with a life of relative isolation; handling being misunderstood or ignored by family or
friends; dealing with cursory or dismissive treatment from doctors or other medical people; and, for a spouse,
partner, or other caregiver, adapting to so many unexpected life changes.
Q: Do you have to be a Buddhist to benefit from the book?
Toni: No. The book is non-parochial. Many people, and I’m one of them, don’t consider Buddhism to be a religion in the traditional sense. It’s a practical path; it’s about how to live life day-to-day. The practices in the book will work for anyone, even for (as some reviewers have pointed out) people who are in good health!
If you have questions for me, just leave them on Annie’s blog. I’ll check it frequently and respond.
For more about the book and about me, here’s the link to my website (designed by my daughter!):


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Pop Culture Wednesday

I feel like I have taken in more random pop culture tidbits than I can seem to remember this week.  GO BRAINFOG!!  Woot.  Anyways, I will talk to you about what I remember seeing, and work from there!


This was one of the most amazing movies I have seen in recent memory.  It's completely brutal and completely over the top, but so self-aware!!  An all-star cast populate this film, including Robert DeNiro, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, and Lindsay Lohan.  Most fun I have had watching a movie in recent months - definitely going right into permanent favorites!  Not a movie for the conservative, but everyone else - RUN to see this movie!

Get Him To The Greek:

This was...okay.  It had funny moments.  I actually like Russell Brand, and I love him with Katy Perry!  This movie was just too many drugs, too many moments of vomiting, and too over the top with no apparent purpose.  If you are really bored, throw this movie on.  But trust me, you will not be kicking yourself if you miss it.


I've been using this recently as my form of streaming music online.  We don't get to have neat things like Pandora in Canada, so this is my best option as far as I can tell.  You can look up individual albums, what's currently popular, or just play one of their custom radio stations.  Right now, I'm listening to their custom rock - right now The Golden Rose by Tom Petty!

What are you enjoying in all of the art forms this week!?

Suggestions loved!!


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Stationery Addiction


Everyone on my twitter is going on about how they are addicted to stationery and I am no exception!  Pens, markers, notebooks, thank-you cards, you name it!  The ol' pen and paper never let me down!!


(Images from WeHeartIt)

Does anyone else want to come forth as an addict??  We can only learn from each other!

My favorite is Kukuxumusu!


Monday, September 27, 2010

Things That Bug Me Mondays

  • How I don't remember sub cheese tasting as gross in the past as it did today! Yuck.
  • Trying to remember something from my childhood and having it be totally gone, while everyone else in the room can remember the moment!
  • That I feel other people's feelings too strongly.
  • Being too tired to fill out my sleep study questionnaire (oh the irony!).
  • People. Drama. Anger. I have a LOT of it right now.  I know, not a healthy emotion, and try to channel it into other things.
  • Being diagnosed on the Aspergers spectrum, and yet having no idea how to find help to learn social cues and whatnot as an adult :/ (but thankfully Twitter friends helped!).
  • Feeling torn :(.
(Images from WeHeartIt)

What is ticking you off this Monday??  I've been almost too tired to post this blog, so I'm sure other people out there need a rant!


Sunday, September 26, 2010

All is Vanity

I don't see how I have not managed to see this awesomeness until today!

All is Vanity as a title and the double-image effect perfected!  Yes please art!  Thanks for always being inspiring!


Friday, September 24, 2010

Love Me Fridays

This week I'm loving:
  • Purring cats (even though I'm slightly allergic!).
  • Sleep in those few precious moments I can find it.
  • Beautiful sunrises.
  • Lavender nail polish.
  • Changes in scenery.
  • My boyfriend - who has stepped up like a champ in terms of helping me with things around the apartment!
  • Salt scrubs (and baths that go with it!)
  • Gluten-free Chex cereal!
  • New readers!
  • Ginger ale.
  • Shopping online (bought Toni Bernhard's How To Be Sick!)
(in this case Fall!)
(Images from WeHeartIt, The Daily What, and Bug Comic).

What are the little joys you are grateful for this week??  Please share, it makes me so happy!  This process of reflection has given my life so much more meaning :).


Thursday, September 23, 2010

Fall Has Arrived...

Fall has officially set in, and picnic season is over.  I didn't get as many of them in as I wanted, but the ones I did were wonderful (lookin' at you love!).

(Images from WeHeartIt)

I am determined to not let the loss of bright skies diminish my spirit, as it so did last fall/winter.  I can maintain summer picnic spirits in as many moments as mentally and physically possible (in such a serious medical condition).  I am going to start projects (and work harder on finishing them!), and try to convince myself that pain doesn't have to darken my light.

I want:
  • Good health
  • Good food
  • Good friends
  • Good surroundings
  • Good ambitions
I'm going to let my daydreams take me away!

(P.S. I started LDN today - experiencing a lot of insomnia, nausea, and vivid dreams [when I do sleep!]).


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Pop Culture Wednesday

A car alarm is going off right now outside of my window. Marvelous.

These are all things that have sounded better to my ears over the past week!!

How To Lose Friends and Alienate People:

I didn't expect much of this movie, despite the fact that I love Simon Pegg (a lot).  I didn't even know Jeff Bridges was in it until part way through the movie!  I really enjoyed this laugh-a-minute romp through the life of a guy with permanent foot-in-mouth problems.  Definitely something to watch again!  Laughter is the best medicine :).

The Brave One:

I loved this story, despite the fact that I watched it mid-nervous breakdown.  Jodie Foster does bad-ass like no other female in the movie business.  Goes to show how violent acts simply breed more violent acts.  You can't even necessarily blame her for the choices she makes, as it is easy to insert yourself into the character's shoes.  The ending rocked my socks.

Dragons' Den:
A Canadian show that I've been watching lately at my friend's house, as all we get there is CBC.  This is a show where inventors give a presentation and ask five notable rich Canadians to invest in them.  The amount of hilarity and cruelty that follows nearly knocks me off of the couch every single week.  Can't miss.  

What have you guys been watching/listening to lately??  I'm always on the lookout for new and exciting things!!


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Update from Bed

I need more light-hearted posts.

I avoided writing a post today.  I had a horrible experience with my neurologist, as per usual.  I'm so over it - he doesn't even deserve to be talked about.  Hence, no more neurologist.

I'm so sick that the bed I'm in feels like it is spinning.


Funny cat picture.


Monday, September 20, 2010

Things That Bug Me Mondays

  • I currently cannot move even remotely without extreme muscle pain.  Talk about a flare!
  • I miss my two best Internet-friends!
  • Sleeping either too long or not long enough.
  • Not having a copy of Toni Bernhard's book "How To Be Sick" yet!
  • Feeling so dependent on others, yet also damaged by them.
  • That I don't have a pumpkin spice latte in my hands at this very minute! Where did that year go Starbucks??
  • Likely pituitary tumor.
  • Feeling way worse ALL of the time.
  • The fact that my best friend is so sad :(

(Images from WeHeartIt)

Having a sad day today friends.  I'm not even that rant-filled.  Fill the rest in for me?  Haha...


Sunday, September 19, 2010

Ow Ow Ow

My fibromyalgia has never been worse.

I literally cannot move today.  It is excruciating.  My back, my legs, my arms...the only thing capable of doing anything today are my fingers and they even hurt.

I also found a spider in my hair today.


Too tired to give much of an update, but I love all of you!  Tell me how you are all feeling!


Saturday, September 18, 2010

Quote of the Day

“Every morning when I wake up, I experience an exquisite joy – the joy of being Salvador Dali – and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things is this Salvador Dali going to accomplish today?”
~ Salvador Dali

I want to adopt his spirit :).


Friday, September 17, 2010

Love Me Fridays

Mmmm, this week has been an interesting one!  Now to practice my positivity and be grateful!

  • Doctors who will spend more than two hours with you in order to go over the crazy situations that are going on in my body!  He is also willing to try 'experimental medicine' for this part of the world!
  • According to my friend Sarah: "That I don't have a two year old child."
  • The fact that I have three wonderful people in my life who help take care of me.
  • Raising awareness about these types of illnesses!
  • Presents :).
  • Having the ability to still be a partial writer!
  • Magazines with beautiful photo shoots.
  • The fact that last night we managed to avoid hitting the puppy in the middle of the night - and then the next day managed to not hit a family of baby ducks crossing the street!
  • CoverGirl lip stains. I'm in love.
  • Haagen-Daaz 
  • Having the best checkout person ever at the grocery store!  So funny!
  • Everyone who reads this blog!  I love you all to pieces!!!

(Images from WeHeartIt)

I had one good day this week!  I think it is the first one I've had in the past month!  I'm enjoying every minute of it :).  What are you grateful for this week?  If illness has you down, the best thing to do is look for the simple joys! 


Thursday, September 16, 2010

Rise From The Ashes

I'm exhausted.

My bloodwork is slightly off, and my doctor foresees the diagnosis of more autoimmune disorders in the future.

My nervous system, musculoskeletal system, and my endocrine system are all out of whack.

It looks like I have a pituitary tumor, but there are doing a second MRI to be 100% sure.

I have a slipped disc in my spine.

I blew up at my best friend due to my wonderful Aspergers-y ability to communicate.  I punished myself, but then pulled myself together for self-care afterwards.  I apologized with a Big Lebowski Kit full of awesomeness (and of course an apology!).

I haven't slept in more than 36 hours (a cycle that is likely to continue...).

I hurt.

I'm cranky.

I slipped today in my efforts to be an inspiration, it just all felt like too much.  However, I'm picking myself up, wiping off the tears, and taking it hour by hour.

Next week, I start Low Dose Naltrexone (something rarely seen around here for Fibromyalgia and CFIDS!)

My FAVORITE things about visiting this country house:
  1. Sarah
  2. Bronwyn
  3. Fathead and Moo (the cats)
  4. The water view and tons of trees
  5. The fresh-from-the-garden veggies!
  6. The bed next to a bay window where you can look at the stars before you fall asleep!
  7. Doing girly-girl things
  8. Down blankets
  9. The gigantic bathtub
  10. Not being alone during the day
However, no Jon *sad face*.  I guess it gives him the opportunity to miss me ;).

(Images from WeHeartIt)

How is everyone's Invisible Illness Week going?  Are you getting the word out?  There is nothing so freeing as  being honest with yourself and the world.


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Invisible Illness Week - Take 2!

We interrupt this week's regularly scheduled Pop Culture Wednesday, in favor of a post that I wrote for The Fight Like A Girl Club supporting Invisible Illness Week!

Check it out here and please comment!

(I love how I also refer to myself as a we in this scenario.)

(Courtesy of the lovely Selena from


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

30 Things - Invisible Illness Week


1. The illnesses I live with are: Fibromyalgia, CFIDS, Myofascial Pain Syndrome, Celiac Disease, Bipolar II, and potential Narcolepsy, high-functioning Asperger's, and an unknown autoimmune condition.
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: Ranges from roughly 2000 to 2009.
3. But I had symptoms since: birth and then new illnesses in 1998.
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: changing my life to be about coping and staying alive instead of fulfilling my huge dreams.
5. Most people assume: That I am lazy or crazy.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: Trying to get my body to want to move again.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: House, I guess? Not a huge fan of medical TV shows.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My laptop - my life takes place more on the Internet now than in the real world.
9. The hardest part about nights are: The vast amounts of pain and sometimes inability to sleep because of it.
10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please) 35-40 (depending on pain level of the day).
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Incorporate many of them into my treatment cycle, but do not dismiss Western medicine.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I would rather choose healthy, but I think a visible illness would be easier to deal with when it comes to outside society.
13. Regarding working and career: I've never held down a job for more than 2 months in my entire life.  My illnesses stole that capability from me.  
14. People would be surprised to know: That I am very scared.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: The effects that the illnesses have had on my relationships with other people.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Get a Bachelor of Arts in Communication Studies and a college diploma as an Executive Office Assistant (as school is more flexible with absences than work).
17. The commercials about my illness: Make me sick to my stomach with how inaccurately the illnesses are portrayed.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Crafting and painting! I still get to do a little, but not nearly as much as I could!
19. It was really hard to have to give up: Driving. That loss of freedom hurts.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Writing this blog!
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Ride a horse along the beach with the ones I love!
22. My illness has taught me:  To pace myself.  To take care of myself as best I can.  
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "I wish I could have your illness so I could lay around on a couch and not be responsible".  That one kills me.  Or, "If I were you, I would have killed myself already." Also not a hit.
24. But I love it when people: Go out of their way to try and help me with the simple things that can throw my day off - cooking, dishes, filling pill cases.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my eyes and all is born again ~ Sylvia Plath
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Hold on - you are in for a bumpy ride! (Plus, some useful tips in general...).
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: It never goes away, and if it does, it isn't for long. I always waited for that day. That day has never come. I still wait for that day.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Get groceries for me, cook a meal for me, play with my hair when I'm sobbing...
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: AWARENESS is key to giving our lives more meaning.  When we are belittled for what eats us up our entire lives, we feel heartbroken, betrayed, and a little crazy.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: A little more noticed in the world :) and thankful someone cared to take the time to read it!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Today is the Day - Invisible Illness Week!


Things That Bug Me Mondays

  • Feeling like death ALL of the time.  It has been on a steep decline for awhile now and I feel like I constantly have poison running through my veins.
  • How expensive living is when you don't have a job or disability support :/.
  • Constant drug changes.
  • The fact that I have been on the same article in my magazine for 3 days now as I don't have the attention span to read it!
  • Sugar cravings.  Mega sugar cravings.
  • Feeling like I need to undertake a huge project just because my life has caught a case of the blahs!
  • My eyes burn when I look at the computer screen these days.  My hearing has also become sharper and touch is hypersensitive.  Yet, no sense of smell and only partial sense of taste.  Weird.
  • Wishing I could do more writing for Invisible Illness Week!  It's been hard for me to even get on this computer to churn out blog posts :(.
  • Having to use my Filofax as a daily pain tracker instead of a planner - still highly useful though!!

(Images from WeHeartIt)

What is getting under your skin this week?  Nagging thoughts are best thrown into the universe!  Sending love to you all!


Sunday, September 12, 2010

Quote of the Day

"I love not man the less, but Nature more." 
~ Lord Byron

(Image from WeHeartIt)

I love being out in the middle of nowhere.  As days go by, I find myself increasingly unable to deal with crowds.  The weather is changing though and we are moving into a bundle-up-for-winter scenario! 

Warm cocoa mugs in front of snowy silence any chance I can get?? I think yes!


Saturday, September 11, 2010

Sleep Study

So last night I hooked myself up to a machine with a whole bunch of wires, oxygen through the nose, and straps all over my body.

It was the more expensive sleep study that I could do before going to the sleep lab in Saint John (for whatever sleep issue they believe me to have - currently narcolepsy?).

It was difficult to sleep, but I managed to get some data in.  Hopefully, someone somewhere will be able to make sense of the information and help me out in some form or fashion.

I'm tired of doing tests.
They never end.
I know all of my spoonie friends hear my pain.

(Image from WeHeartIt)

What is everyone up to on this rainy weekend?  Hopefully things more exciting than sleep studies!!  Tell tell!


Friday, September 10, 2010

Love Me Fridays

  • Doctors that actually take me seriously.
  • The fact that my psychologist is a wonderful person and makes me feel so comfortable.
  • Giant stuffed animals (even if they are for Bronwyn!).
  • Baby clothes!  I wish they made clothes that cute in my size!
  • Not the giant migraine I have...
  • Having a new power cord for my laptop (even though I wanted an entirely new laptop!).
  • The fact that I'm getting along wonderfully with my boy and my girls.
  • Celebrity Jeopardy!
  • Sleep (although I think the sleep study I have to do might interfere tonight!).
  • Crazy plans for the future made with friends late at night.
  • Care packages.

(Images from WeHeartIt)

What are you loving this week?? Little somethings to keep us going through this roller coaster of life are important!


Thursday, September 9, 2010

A Rainbow Among Clouds

(Image from WeHeartIt)

This is what I am trying to be right now.  My best friend is in crisis.  I am in crisis.  Friends online are in crisis. If there is ever one thing I want to be remembered for, it is the support I try to give to others.  I can't say I'm a huge fan of general humanity, but when it comes to those I care about, I care with my entire heart - ALL OF THE TIME.

I care about Jon all of the time.  I care about my immediate family all of the time.  I care about Sarah all of the time.  I care about my twitter friends all of the time.

It is incredibly difficult to be full of love and cheer whenever you are sick all the time.  In my moments where I can be of use, I want to channel my energy into bringing joy to those I care about.

So many of us with chronic illnesses spend our time being in a hard place mentally and physically, and are typically prone at snapping at people (maybe? am I incredibly rare there?).  I want to focus on making myself as centered as someone in can be in such a situation.  

Stability is what I need.  That and sharing love.

I love you all for reading!


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Pop Culture Wednesday

This week I have participated more on the pop culture scale, as a result of finally getting my living situations calmed down.  I have settled into a more stable routine and have a new power cord for my laptop, so it can survive another day.  I think this is the third power cord I have had to purchase for this miserable laptop, so I may be attempting to purchase a new one as soon as possible!

The Expendables:

I was kind of excited to see this movie - I mean it has every action star in existence!  Sadly, I can't tell you even remotely what the plot was.  Something to do with cocaine. There were lots of explosions.  Jason Statham is particularly good looking.  That was about all I got out of the experience!


This was...okay.  When it was funny, it was REALLY funny.  Dax Shepard and Diane Keaton have excellent comedic timing.  Most of the time though, it made everyone in the room with me feel awkward.  Happy ending, simple story, light rental and nothing else.

Mad Men:

This season has just been meh for me until this week! Don and Peggy!!!!  Best idea in the entire world!  For some reason this whole thing got me giddy as a schoolgirl.  I will be back to getting excited for new episodes :).

What have you been watching/listening/enjoying this week??  I always need suggestions!


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

What Works For You?

Today was a big day for me.

I have been having SEVERE skin pain lately, to the point I'm constantly hitting 9/10 pain levels.  Everyone knows that my blog posts have been bordering on miserable as of late.

Thankfully, my mother always knows when to step in - and she did today.  I went and saw my psychologist, where we discussed my suicidal thoughts and my mass crisis state of over-sensitized living.  She actually thought some interesting theories regarding my psyche.  I have hopes that she will be able to help me develop some sort of strategy to limit my emotional disregulation, massive fear, and instability.

My mother called the pain clinic, as I couldn't.  I have been labeled a drug-seeker too many times over the last 12 years, and I just can't stand asking for more.  I got upped to using codeine contin twice daily, with extra codeine to take for breakthrough pain.  On top of that, they also upped my gabapentin for skin pain.

For the first time in recent memory, I am not in mass amounts of agony.  I can think (minus moderate sedation).  I am itchy, but that kind of comes with the territory.

It's so much more relaxing on the brain.  May my tolerance for it not rapidly grow!

What are your doctors (and you) using for your pain??  I always love to know what works for other people!


Monday, September 6, 2010

Things That Bug Me Mondays

  • Being in a group of people who are drinking, when I can't hold down more than a single drink!
  • Insomnia.  It's been extra mean to me these last two weeks.
  • Having to call the pain clinic to ask for higher pain control.  It makes me embarrassed, and I wish I was strong enough to just power through it.
  • Broken families :(.
  • The fact that I don't have a magic wand that I can use to fix everyone's problems.  I hurt when my friends hurt.
  • Feeling out of control (aka ALL of the time).
  • Wacky hormones.  
  • When people I love get sick - as for some reason I feel like I should carry it all.  
  • My lungs have been giving me shit lately.
  • The entirety of Saturday night and Sunday.
  • Not being able to access tv online whenever I very desperately need distraction!

(Images from WeHeartIt)

What is frustrating you this week??  It's time for some rants!