It's Time To Get Over How Fragile You Are

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

How Many Times Can I Break Til I'm Shattered?

I am absolutely despondent. No matter what, it seems as though I'm entirely incapable of holding down any kind of job position. I am either sick, panicking, or without a capable memory of doing the work required. No matter how hard I try, my general tolerance for my interpersonal skills has a short fuse.

I have literally reached a stage of having NO idea what to do from this point forth. The stress from the illnesses combined with the stress of the job may throw me over the edge.

So disappointed with myself.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Crocodile Tears

News From Yesterday:

Confirmed Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
Told because of my lack of progesterone, I had gone insulin-resistant; hence, the rapid weight gain.
Told to go on a Celiac/Diabetic diet with no sugar and no white starch.
Told to go back on birth control to reduce risk of uterine cancer until ready to pump myself full of fertility drugs.
Told that by taking anti-androgens on top of all these other drugs I'm likely to just off my liver.
Given paperwork for more blood tests.
Go to work and even though I had called in saying I would be late with my appointment - was bitched out for not calling in.
Then proceeded at the end of the night to be absolutely stranded for help and humiliated by a supervisor in front of my customer...in which case I left in giant crocodile tears after the shit day it was.

As of yesterday, I have felt entirely numb and somewhat catatonic. Also, I am packing some clonazepam so if I cross my fingers maybe I won't have to cry at work again. There is little that is more embarrassing.

Hope everyone's day went better than mine.

xoxo,

Annie

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

How I'm Feeling Today In Picture Form: Contradictory, Timid, and Remotely Content

Images from weheartit

Monday, January 4, 2010

Things That Bug Me Mondays

The fact that I forgot I had broken glass in a garbage bag and stuck my hand in there. Ouchies all around.
How weak and horrible I feel without food every couple of hours - it's hard to eat that regularly at any sort of job.
That my iTunes does not seem to want to work appropriately with my Windows computer. Someday I will update to a Mac, but until then it's just being a giant pain in my ass.
Not having everything organized for my first day at work on the floors today. I hate not having things neat and orderly, and because they rushed us...we are now stuck going in blind.
How hard it is to recover from drinking anything alcoholic. I remember when I was young and could bounce right back the next day. Now I'm a complete write-off.
How early mornings are. In general. You would think after 23 years I would start to understand this concept, but no. They are painful EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Crumbs. For no other reason than I REALLY hate crumbs.
Permanent stuffy noses.

Okay, now it's time to quit complaining and go on being positive about the week!

xoxo,

Annie

Sunday, January 3, 2010

2009 Recap

What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Met the love of my life, learned more about how to cope with my illnesses, developed a reasonably positive attitude, and started living in the moment. Yay!
Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't have a documented version of my New Year's resolutions, but this year I do! I also have my 101 in 1001 which I will have to pull out tonight and try and start updating. I plan on keeping them all this year :).
Did anyone close to you give birth? I think all the births were in 2008 and not 2009.
Did anyone close to you die? I was spared in 2009 of such grief thankfully.
What countries did you visit? Canada, as I was pretty stationary the whole year.
What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Money to pay the bills, a kitty, and a better craft set-up would all be pretty awesome.
What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Ha, this would require that I actually have a memory that extends beyond 10 minutes ago. Hrmmm...I had the best Valentine's Day of my life this year with Jon, so I'll have to go with that one.
What was your biggest achievement of the year? Changing my outlook. It was so easy to fall into being bitter when dealt such a miserable hand of general health. By waking up and thinking of things I'm grateful for, I've managed to accomplish a great deal more.
What was your biggest failure? I have managed to not obtain any of the excellent jobs I interviewed for as a result of not having enough work experience and only education.
Did you suffer illness or injury? Every day, unfortunately.
What was the best thing you bought? Umm...probably getting back into carrying Moleskine notebooks all the time. That and my Marc by Marc Jacobs purse which makes me smile every time I look at it.
Tattoos, trip to Oz, 3 pairs of prescription glasses.
Whose behaviour merited celebration? Jonathan's - for being a never-ending source of support and fun and my family - for helping me out whenever I get stuck.
Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? The general population of the world. Sometimes I wonder whether humans are naturally good or evil.
Where did most of your money go? Food, rent, pills, and the car.
What did you get really, really, really excited about? I went a little holiday crazy this year :)
What song will always remind you of 2009? A whole lotta nada, as 2009 wasn't a big year on finding music that I love.
Compared to this time last year, are you:
- Happier or sadder?
  Happier.
- Thinner or fatter?
  Fatter.
- Richer or poorer?
  Richer.
What do you wish you’d done more of? Writing, reading, laughing.
What do you wish you’d done less of? Working, crying, wasting time.
How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it with my wonderful family spoiling Jon rotten, as it was his first Christmas and all <3.
Did you fall in love in 2009? I sure did! I fell in love with the boy and I fell in love with life for the first time.
What was your favourite TV programme? I haven't watched much TV this year due to not having cable. In terms of episode watching: Pushing Daisies.
Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I'm more prone to dislike than hate.
What was the best book you read? Oooo that's a toughy. I'm going to go with The Unbearable Lightness of Being.
What was your greatest musical discovery? The new Florence and the Machine album makes my life dramatically better.
What did you want and get? A new job, a great apartment, and a wonderful collection of books.
What did you want and not get? The jobs I wanted, to be understood in the health care profession :(
What was your favourite film of this year? I've got to go with Inglourious Basterds, Sherlock Holmes, and Avatar for the most fun I had at the theatres.
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 23 and celebrated at the Gahan House with many wonderful friends.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Being healthy?
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? Dresses. Dresses. And more dresses.
What kept you sane? Jon. If I was kept sane at all.
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Robert Downey Jr. for the win.
What political issue stirred you the most? The general inability of society to accept gay marriage.
Who did you miss? Laura, she's too much fun not to have in Charlottetown!
Who was the best new person you met? I didn't meet anyone shockingly new in 2009 - just kept up the older friendships.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. To not stick my hand in a garbage bag full of broken glass like I did 30 minutes ago. Talk about a sore, bloody hand.
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
“If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it”

Being Your Own Researcher

Sometimes I feel like I have done so much health research on the Internet that I could pass for a Doctor or Pharmacist.

My mother and my sister are the latter, so I at least half know what I'm talking about. I suppose there are worse ways to wash your life down the drain, but not ever knowing what on earth is wrong with your body gets to be quite old.

I'm back to hurting every single moment of every single day now and it's depressing. It seems to go in the same waves as the long diagnosed bipolar disorder. More research needed.

I became violently ill at work the other day - tremors, vomiting, etc... I often worry whether or not I'll be able to hold onto this job. We really do need the money, and a health plan is oh so necessary with the amount of pills I have to buy. Being an adult is hard.

On a much lighter note:

Has anyone checked out Lamebook? It is seriously making me worry about the state of humanity in between fits of laughter.

xoxo,

Annie

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Welcome 2010!

Well it's now 2010.

I wish I could say it feels a whole lot different, but really...the same old shenanigans are at play.

January 1st was a total write off as I had a little too much fun on New Year's Eve, so I'm just getting out of bed and becoming productive again today. I just made some tasty gluten-free egg sandwiches and now feel like I'm winning at life. When one eats such a restricted diet, all it takes is a slightly tasty new food and it becomes a borderline obsession. People would not believe how many cookbooks and food websites I read in the run of a day. It doesn't help that I work on a computer all the time.

I see my doctor about the whole PCOS situation on Tuesday. Hopefully it will lead to something positive (or at least slightly useful). I'm tired of having my hormones be entirely out of whack. It certainly isn't doing wonders for my self-esteem.

I tried to fit in my New Year's Eve dress, and no matter how hard we all tried to stuff me...it didn't fit. Diet is getting serious starting today. I can't say I'm a huge fan of exercise so I'm hoping to substitute cleaning as a form of burning calories. Plus it might keep this place from becoming a hell hole.

Since I didn't make a post for Love Me Friday, I'll throw in some pics of things that are keeping me pleasant:

How I felt all the time in university: