Picking Up The Pieces...

I've decided that I'm going to give up drinking altogether. I'll make an exception for an occasional glass of wine if it is a special occasion, but in general - no more alcohol. There are far better ways to spend my time and money (aka my growing Amazon want list and our desperate need for some better gadgets around the apartment). I don't need to be paying for a brief period of fun, followed by a prolonged period of feeling poisoned. I get that for free anyways with this gifted body of mine.

I *MIGHT* be getting an OJT within the next few days. It will be good for me to get out of the apartment for half-days again, even though I don't entirely feel up to it. Cymbalta withdrawal has been pretty hard on me so far. The nodular acne that is attacking my face isn't doing me any good either. I keep having to tell myself --- MAINTAIN SELF-CONFIDENCE. YOU ARE STILL ATTRACTIVE AND GENERALLY USEFUL TO SOCIETY DESPITE THESE TEMPORARY SETBACKS. Go basic affirmations. I used to think they were absolute bullshit but the more I try them in times of need the more useful they turn out to be.

Plans for today:

1) Watching the rest of Weeds Season 3 (This is one of the beauties of being stuck sick at home - you get to catch up on your favorite TV shows!)

2) Eagerly awaiting confirmation email for work.

3) Making a big meal of chicken korma later for the man of the house as I couldn't be bothered to do it yesterday.

Sadly, that about sums it up. I always thought Christine Miserandino's "The Spoon Theory" was right on the money. It is all about budgeting those tiny glimpses of energy. Linkage = http://butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory/

That's all for now until I feel the need to have a massive rant I suppose,

xoxo

Annie

Quiet Sundays :)

La la la la la. That's my dog Zoe :)..

It has been a surprisingly uneventful day on my part. I've decided to cold turkey the Cymbalta as a result of the horrible things it is doing to my mind. I like to think I'm not a cold and volatile individual. I haven't had any withdrawal effects yet, but I'm waiting for them patiently.

I feel like I'm starting to pack on the pounds. A diet definitely needs to be in order with some exercise here shortly.

I made a delicious Green Curry Beef on rice noodles this afternoon. Hopefully my beloved will enjoy it when he comes home :). I'm excited to be starting the 3rd season of Weeds shortly (a GREAT show that I'm surprised I've managed to miss out on for as long as I have). Otherwise, I'm basically picking away at magazines looking for pictures I can use to make collages. I wish I could buy an endless supply of books and craft materials; unfortunately, in order to do that one must keep down a job.

I should find out about work tomorrow.

Eeeeeeeeeeee! I'm excited to get back out into the world again. I live in my pajamas and they aren't all that attractive.

We're having car problems on top of money problems in general so I'm crossing my fingers that everything will just fall into place.

xoxo,

Annie

Cracked

I may be losing my mind.

I just thought I'd throw that out there for anyone who reads this to know.

My head has been aching all day and my stomach is in complete upheaval. All week my friends/boyfriend/family have only had to look at me the wrong way for me to snap at them or be completely unreasonable. I don't know if it is something to do with the changing of meds or if I'm actually crazy or what. The worst thing is all my illness can be attributed to side effects so I can never tell if it is something that should be happening.

I need to come up with a plan. This one obviously isn't working.

Even the movies aren't picking up my spirits tonight. [Although on a side note, I went to see UP a few days ago. Pixar is really on the ball lately - what a delightful movie :) ].

Mornings Are Now Less Wonderful...

You know what?

There are a lot of side effects to the drugs I take. I choose to continue putting them in my mouth as I've trialed what it is like to be on nothing at all. The benefits unfortunately outweigh the detriments.

The Cymbalta has given me a new and interesting one that I haven't dealt with before. It is less obnoxious than the metallic taste I permanently got in my mouth from the Wellbutrin but not by much. These days, any time I wake up from sleep I have entirely blurred vision. It makes it hard to read and I would never even think about driving. It only lasts somewhere between 20 minutes and 2 hours but I don't really like drugs messing with something as important as my eyesight. Argh.

As a result, I'm indulging in my one bad habit for breakfast: a nice, tall glass of Diet Coke :)

RLS

Third day in a row with a wicked bout of Restless Leg Syndrome.

I have no idea whether this is a syndrome that I actually have, is part of my potential diagnosis with Fibromyalgia, or a side effect of one of the drugs that I take. Either way, it is an absolute pain in the ass. I feel like my arms and legs are literally trying to crawl off of my body.

Sleeping has been a virtually impossible endeavor as no matter what way I lay it is impossible to get comfortable. I can't concentrate for long enough to watch a movie, read a book, or really do much of anything. I've tried baths, meds, light exercise, and stretching... and I'm running out of ideas rather quickly. The lack of sleep has caused me to feel like I'm incredibly foggy in my mind, as well as made me rather emotional and irritable.

Be optimistic. Be optimistic. Be optimistic.

Maybe if I keep telling myself that it will sink in.

Lackluster Update

Current State of Life Affairs:

- Nearly too tired to lift my fingers (but finally over a wicked headache!)

- Still unemployed and beyond all reasonable levels of broke

- Somewhat discouraged about the whole state of affairs

- Thinking I should hop back on the reading bandwagon

Alas, I just don't have it in me right now and need easier ways of being distracted from my problems. The entertainment of the evening will be Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. I haven't seen it, so hopefully it's worth my time. Tim Burton has a great set of movies behind him for watching when you can't get up the ambition to do anything else. I highly recommend:

1) Edward Scissorhands

2) The Nightmare Before Christmas

3) Big Fish

4) Corpse Bride

and definitely looking forward to the new adaptation of Alice in Wonderland!!

Hopefully I'll come around by tomorrow,

Annie

Keep On Keepin' On

I'm normally not so much with the drama queen scene;

But today, I have to admit to having had a meltdown of sorts.

I don't understand why I get sick most of the time, even though I've read a million articles on the topic. I always wonder why I'm such an introvert, and why being with people drains the energy right out of me (even more than what occurs as a result of illness alone...). I've managed to leave myself fairly neurotic after nearly 23 years of living in such a manner.

I sometimes think that I've managed to make myself the official 'Black Sheep' of the family as a result of my confusing times in the hospital and inability to make useless small talk at the Christmas dinner table. I often wonder which came first - the inability to feel connected to others or the constant pain battle. I'm sure that both can manage to create the other in some form or fashion. Either way it has managed to turn into a brutal cycle.

I also have another flare-up of good ol' cystic acne on my face. Talk about doing wonders for the self-esteem that I work so hard to remain optimistic about.

I suppose I will do what anyone else does in times of adversity and confusion.

Take one hour at a time.

[I learned to do this after a stay in the hospital where I determined that one day at a time was farrrrrrrrrrrrrr too long to handle.]

With that being said, perhaps I'll sleep on the matter.

Annie

Dragging My Ass...

Random picture I took to compensate for my lack of energy haha.

Gah.

I have had agonizing skin pain in my lower left leg for 2 days now. A headache, a stuffy nose, and a stomachache are all hanging out with me too. I don't know if I have the flu, or if something just decided to flare up again. I hate that I can never tell the difference.

I also need to go get products of the food variety before we manage to starve to death in the Martin-Bayer household.

Still working on a job placement.

Still working on getting off the couch.

xoxo

Annie

Neurotic Saturdays

My optimism is currently lacking a bit.

I need to give myself a kick in the rear end. On the plus side, this combination of Cymbalta, Neurontin, Arthrotec, Reactine, and Tylenol with caffeine appears to be rocking my socks. I can get up and move around and actually get through a full day without being in agonizing pain. It's been around three days since I last vomited so yay! There is something to be happy about. I've actually managed to clean half the apartment on my own so far today for the first time in about four months.

My good old paranoia is kicking in and apparently I should only look after me. I'm having friend difficulties, boyfriend difficulties, job difficulties, ... my good old mind is making me confused.

Maybe I'll just focus on cleaning.

And playing Bejeweled 2.

I highly recommend that to anyone who is either a) sick and can't get off the couch or b) bored out of their mind; it quite literally can amuse me for hours on end. Mind you, I have to play in action mode because I'm competitive :)

On a side note...I've left this post open without publishing it for several hours and have managed to over do it. I'm having hot flashes galore (go pretend early menopause!!) and my back and head have required mucho painkillers. Now I'm going to go make some butter chicken for the boyfriend and call it a day.

xoxo

Annie

The Perils of Offering Advice

There is nothing more dangerous than to be without hope.

I've been there a few times in the worst rounds of the hand I've been dealt. I have a feeling it is something that nearly every (if not every) single individual faces at one point or another. It is the most black devastation that one can ever feel. I will, over time, recount some of these events on this blog. However, this night focused on the immense sadness of one of my very best friends.

I am far too empathetic for my own well-being. For some reason, being a chronic sufferer and all, I feel as though it is ok when I am hurting, but an absolute tragedy for others (those who actually deserve it and didn't just break a nail or something of the sort). This is something I have been working on curbing, but it is a long and slow process.

As a result, I feel as though it is my need to say my thoughts on the matter. This usually causes a rise in a situation where I should more than often keep my mouth shut. I like to think that I can help, that all my years of research and suffering can somehow lessen the pain of others. The worst thing is that this is not the case.

I just...like to stand up for what I believe in. After so many years of being negative, I'm trying my best to look on the bright side. The process of watching others dwell just breaks me up inside, as if I'm watching the shell of myself that I occasionally have to deal with.

Oh well, this is an issue that I'm going to continue to debate. I'm thinking for a little while, my deepest thoughts on the matter will be withheld.

Setback of the Day

It can be so difficult to find ways to make money when you are a girl with chronic illness living on a tiny, little island.

I'm finally ready to get back out into the workforce after a 4 month hiatus. I'm a college graduate (today was my last day!) and I have a solid resume, even though it lacks a little practical hands-on experience in the fields of my choice. However, I am obligated to do an On the Job Training position as part of graduation for 4 weeks.

I started one of these not too long ago at Imageworks, (probably the biggest publication company in the area). I was incredibly excited to have the opportunity to write and design as part of my actual employment. Unfortunately, after four days of work, my body decided to give out on me and they chose to let me go. Needless to say, I was somewhat devastated.

Fast foward to the current day. I was approved for an OJT position at a radio station to work alongside the administrative assistant. Again, I was excited to work within a media-based position. However, when the woman received my resume, she was intimidated by my level of education being above her own, and rescinded her offer. Sadly, this is not the first time this has happened. So frustrating!!!!

I obviously am just a girl looking for ways to learn more about the business. All I want is to work within media-based positions, and my illness and/or education seems to continually get in my way.

If anyone ever starts to follow this blog - feel free to contact me for any writing or proofreading needs. As of right now, I guess I just keep trying to get my name out there and hold my head up high.

From One End of the Spectrum to the Other

I find it rather interesting how one can go from feeling incredibly sexy to extremely schlumpy (if that is a word...) all in the course of one day.

I got up this morning ready to celebrate my day in my very favorite dress. It's a black maxi halter dress with wooden beads along the straps. Everytime I wear it I feel like a goddess. I determined yet again that I would make healthy choices so as to not encourage my body to trap me in illness again. So I sashayed around the college and downtown mall, enjoying each and every look that was cast in my sexy direction.

Six hours later...

I've fallen back off the wagon. That lasted long. I pledge to do better tomorrow. I managed to break the strap of my goddess dress (*tears*!!), but hopefully it can be mended. Then I went out to dinner with my mother for fish and chips. Mind you, gluten-free fish and chips are a novelty all on their own. It just was a level of grease that doesn't settle well with my already tempermental digestive system. Now I just feel like curling up on my brand new couch for the rest of the night and hoping I don't suffer too much for my actions.

I think that plan will be put into action ASAP.

Annie

CURRY!!

Is there any better food than curry as a Celiac chick?

It's the most flavorful thing I've managed to tackle in my culinary endeavors. Some fresh (or frozen!) veggies, chicken or shrimp, rice, some curry paste, and sour cream or fresh yogurt make the healthiest and best tasting dinner.

Plus, it doesn't take a whole lot of effort - always something to keep in mind when your energy levels are at approximately negative 10 on any given day.

I was diagnosed with Celiac disease at the ripe old age of 16 and I've been searching for ways to make the few foods I had left to eat as delicious as possible. It's been a challenge for sure...the first few years there weren't very many options. However, more and more individuals are being diagnosed as the years go by and the food products become increasingly exciting.

Add in the fact that I have to keep my diet in check to try and keep my other multitude of symptoms under control, and one can see why healthy living has become one of the centers of my existence.

Now I'm going to go rest for an hour before I tackle the next major task of my scarce energy supply - the dishes! :)

xoxo

Annie

I Win This Round...

So I'm having a moment of pride on this beautiful Thursday morning...

I just finished having my graduation pictures taken for my Executive Office Assistant program at college. It's been a long, hard battle and even though I don't have the diploma currently in my hand, I know it's on its way. This has been my third try to get this last class done due to an ongoing medical flare-up and I was getting hopeless. I have one day left. One day!!! It's hard to imagine I've finally reached the end of this road.

Soon I get to attempt to go back out into the work force. I've never managed to hold a job down for longer than three months at a time so I'm trying to be optimistic. I'm going to attempt to just do 20 hour weeks in an attempt to treat myself better. In fact, I'm quite positive that I'm going to do an entire overhaul on my ways of life in order to make sure I can be the best I can. I'm lucky to have loving parents and a wonderful boyfriend who help support me whenever I'm having trouble making ends meet. I can't imagine what it must be like for individuals with chronic illnesses who have no support system.

So now I have a Bachelor of Professional Arts in Communication Studies and an Executive Office Assistant Diploma!! Not bad for a girl who is sick all the time. Now just to figure out something in terms of a job where I can use all this education. :)