Not that this is a new development in any way, but I feel like letting everyone know just how often I sit and over-think everything.
I have four possible living opportunities:
- Living in a beautiful country home with my best friend Sarah. Pros: best friend, lots of land, fresh garden vegetables and free-range eggs, peace and quiet, adorable 2 year old, less rent money, living closer to my mother. Cons: feeling like I'm always visiting, likely no boyfriend, screaming 2 year olds (haha), potentially needing a new car, and general moving guilt over the inability to properly take care of myself.
- Living at my parents house. Pros: no rent, my mother takes extra special care of me, I would feel a greater sense of home. Cons: my boyfriend doesn't want to live there, I will likely feel like I'm regressing, and I'm allergic to the carpet in the basement.
- Living in my current apartment: Pros: more alone time with boyfriend (and not putting him an hour away from his work!), not having to make any changes (as I seem to be terrified of change!), knowing that I have my own space. Cons: been having mega panic attacks, spend all day every day alone and cooped up inside without anyone to help me, having a drug dealer in the building, and no green space.
- Moving to a new apartment: Pros: potentially getting some green space, living in a nicer location. Cons: having to move all of our stuff, still being alone all day, unable to fully care for myself.
For some reason, none of these options feel entirely right to me. Maybe it is because I am very sick these days. Maybe it is because I don't trust my memory or myself. I feel like I am putting everyone in a tough spot, even though all I seem to be made of is suffering soup lately.
I have no idea. Aren't you supposed to have some sort of gut feeling in these cases?