Thursday, September 2, 2010

I'm the Queen of Indecision

I seem to be incapable of making up my mind.

Not that this is a new development in any way, but I feel like letting everyone know just how often I sit and over-think everything.

I have four possible living opportunities:
  1. Living in a beautiful country home with my best friend Sarah.  Pros: best friend, lots of land, fresh garden vegetables and free-range eggs, peace and quiet, adorable 2 year old, less rent money, living closer to my mother.  Cons: feeling like I'm always visiting, likely no boyfriend, screaming 2 year olds (haha), potentially needing a new car, and general moving guilt over the inability to properly take care of myself.
  2. Living at my parents house.  Pros: no rent, my mother takes extra special care of me, I would feel a greater sense of home.  Cons: my boyfriend doesn't want to live there, I will likely feel like I'm regressing, and I'm allergic to the carpet in the basement.
  3. Living in my current apartment:  Pros: more alone time with boyfriend (and not putting him an hour away from his work!), not having to make any changes (as I seem to be terrified of change!), knowing that I have my own space.  Cons: been having mega panic attacks, spend all day every day alone and cooped up inside without anyone to help me, having a drug dealer in the building, and no green space.
  4. Moving to a new apartment:  Pros: potentially getting some green space, living in a nicer location.  Cons: having to move all of our stuff, still being alone all day, unable to fully care for myself.
For some reason, none of these options feel entirely right to me.  Maybe it is because I am very sick these days.  Maybe it is because I don't trust my memory or myself.  I feel like I am putting everyone in a tough spot, even though all I seem to be made of is suffering soup lately.

I have no idea.  Aren't you supposed to have some sort of gut feeling in these cases?

xoxo,
Annie

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can never make up my mind either! Luckily, I don't have a lot of major decisions to make though. Don't feel guilty about having to rely on other people - you can't help being sick, and you handle it awesomely well and bravely! I live with my parents, so I know how frustrating it is to feel dependent, though. I don't know about gut feelings - I don't trust mine any more... I hope you can find a solution that works out well for you (and I hope you feel better soon! *Hugs!!!*)
~Ad =)

David.R.Gilson said...

I agree, none sound great, but if it were me, I'd take the fourth option. Or keep on as you are until a better option comes up.

Sarah is your best friend, but she isn't obliged to be there for you, and her child has to take precedence over you, and you aren't healthy enough to contribute to child care duties. Or are you?

Certainly not go back to parents, that would be demoralising for you, no matter how awesome your Mom is at looking after you.

I guess it depends how solid you feel with your boyfriend, and as a backup, where would you rather be living if you were to split up? I hope it never comes to that though!

So, keep an eye out for the ideal apartment for you both.

That's my advice, and thought it was about time I left a comment here as we haven't chatted for a while!

phylor said...

The 4th option sounds good: no regression at your parents, or feel like you are burdening a friend.
You really can't stay at your current apartment. I don't want to be nosey, or intrusive, but if you and your boyfriend split the increase in rent possible on the new apartment -- I'm guessing he will "move" with you -- then at least your living space issues are covered.

Do you qualify for visits from agencies such as a community outreach team? If someone from such an organization visited one day or so a week for a few hours, you wouldn't be alone, and they could assist you with tasks. Just a thought.

gradstudentwithlupus said...

i say 4th option -- but maybe this new place can be somewhere slightly closer to mom? (idk the layout of where you are)

i worry that feeling like you're regressing might lead to more panic attacks.. but if you're mom can take care of you, esp when your bf cant that would be ideal..

the drug dealers are a no go in my book.

-SR (@gradstdntwlupus)

Dogmom Diva said...

I say the 4th even tho moving is hard, the other three options also involve moving..Better to find a new apartment in a bette location..maybe then you can get outsid for fresh air anyway without fear of the druggies..thats my take on it!

Barb

Good luck!

Laurel said...

Annie, I'm one of those people who hates to give advice because, well, what if I give the wrong advice? ;) So, I will just say that I hope whatever you choose, it ends up feeling like home to you and with as little cons as possible. As someone mentioned, if you do move into a new apartment, perhaps you could find a service where someone comes to visit you and help out? Hope you find a solution soon, and start to feel a bit better. It sucks to have a big decision looming over your head. Hugs. :)

Toni said...

Annie, here's what I think based on years of having been a "lay" counselor for students as a dean of students

First, I think you're doing exactly the right thing to sit down and make this list of pros and cons about each of your options. (I used to have students do that right in front of me if they were facing a difficult decision.)

Just keep working at it. What is likely to happen is that soon two of the four will clearly not be right. Then you'll have to decide between the two that are left.

If the pros don't outweigh the cons on one of them and if you don't get that "gut" feeling despite all this wonderful thinking through it that you're doing, just pick one of the two options that are left and start to act on it. If you do that, you'll almost immediately know if it was the right one. If it wasn't, then take the other option.