Tuesday, August 31, 2010

A River of Tears

I am tired of crying.

I'm not sure if it is going to ever stop or not.

I feel fragmented, as I'm being juggled between three separate living locations.  It makes my heart hurt, but I honestly am having too many issues for it not to occur.

Everyone has been wonderful and supportive.  It isn't their fault that my pain and hormones are not yet being properly managed, and they are all going out of their way to make me feel as comfortable as possible.  Sadly, these moves are disrupting my sleep schedule - and the less I sleep, the higher the pain levels go.

My skin cannot be touched, I want to do emergency surgery on my ovaries, and my headaches are non-stop.

The codeine tabs (even taken with tylenol) are sadly not enough, but I'm scared to call my pain clinic in case they come to the conclusion that I'm a drug addict :/.


I hate ranting on this blog.

So here are my mantras of the evening:

  1. I will work to control what I CAN control, and I will try to let go of everything else.
  2. A situation WILL eventually work its way out in time.
  3. I AM deserving of love and support, even though I currently feel like a slightly-advanced toddler.
  4. The more grateful I try to be, the more reasons I can find to be grateful.
  5. It is enough to have done my best.
What is the easiest way to convince yourself to stop crying?  I know everyone has had experience with this one at one time or another!



That Kind Of Girl said...

Not sure this is useful at all, but when I'm on the verge of an epic cry, I read or watch something profoundly sad and let myself get swept into that. Is anything else really worth crying over when you're watching the last half hour of Gone With The Wind or reading Flowers For Algernon?

...yeah, the life-saving power of literature is kind of my answer to all of life's tough questions. Maybe art in general. I like to look at paintings -- online, in books, whatever -- and get lost in the lines, try to figure out how they make me feel what I feel when I look at them. Or I draw woefully bad comic strips on index cards with sparkly gel pens or work on memorizing passages of my favorite novels or get lost in music.

Again, probably not good advice, but I have a hard time getting out of my head and that helps me, at least. Huge hugs, dude.

I love your mantras, and I love how strong you're being right now. Sending very good vibes your way.

Emily said...

Sometimes I allow myself a good cry. Because, seriously? Sometimes you need one.

I have two ways I keep myself from crying - 1st is that crying makes my head hurt worse. So that's a pretty powerful motivator. And the second is a mantra of my own - I have been through worse before and gotten through it. I will get through this, too. I also love watching funny movies.

I hope things look up SOON -- wish there was something I could do to help. :)

Pink Doberman said...

Here is a HUG! Since you can't be touched it is a virtual HUG! Maybe you need some more of this kind!

The pain thing.. well, here is my two cents. Take someone else with you to the Dr. or have them call for you. Let them explain how you can't get comfortable, how it hurts them to see you hurt so bad and how you think that you are going to be called an addict because your pain is so significant that your current medications don't work, so you won't call yourself.
(sorry long sentence)
Let someone advocate for you.

Pretend each move is a vacation, Thank God You've got so many places and people to support you! Know you are blessed by this.

Sleep? Well maybe you need something to help with this as well. I am not pushing the meds thing, but just the reality of your situation it doesn't sound like massage is in the cards. Meditation may work if you are accustomed to it..

Ask yourself if you are choosing to feel this way. If you are, change your thinking. If you are not then get help where you can find it! This is nothing you deserve!

HUGS and Pain free thoughts are headed your direction!

Lynda Halliger-Otvos said...

Annie, sweet pea,

The crying (lots since only sister died two years ago) comes to a sniffly halt* when I realize my sinuses are Totally Packed In and I will not be able to breathe comfortably for the next several hours.
* mostly i can stop

I wish I could reach out there and hug the air around you so you would feel my warmth and empathy and compassion and oxytocin flowing around, over, under and thru you. I know it would help....

Instead I shall direct my meditations to you for the foreseeable future and hope that the energies reach into your section of space's eternal matter.
Namaste, Annie.

Anonymous said...

It's not easy to stop crying when it feels like it's out of your control and actually makes everything feel worse.
You could set aside a specific period of time every day, say at 2:15 to 3:15, or every week say Wednesday at 9pm and then cry. If you plan your crying, you can take more control of it.
I hate to push, but if you're crying alot of the time, maybe you should talk to a councillor. Perhaps there is one at the Pain Center?
The Pain Center should be the last place that thinks you're a drug addict! Bringing an advocat with you is a good idea: they can confirm your issues and the lack of pain relief with your current medication.
There are meds for sleep, or to relax you so you can drift off. Of course, I'm writing this at 3:26 am and I'm up because I can't stay asleep!
Good luck and gentle air hugs to you. (((((hugs)))))

Alex said...

*hugs* I'm sorry, Annie. Lack of sleep and pain are both awful, but combined, they're too much for me to cope with.

Sometimes crying does help. You might feel more tired afterwards, but at least you're not holding all your emotions in. I feel better after crying, sometimes. It depends as to why I'm crying; if it's out of anger/frustration, I may not feel any better, but if it's because I'm upset over something/my illnesses, it can help.

I find writing in my diary helps, although I haven't been able to for over a week, my joint pain/rheumatism-like pain is severe, so it's really hard to hold a pen! Sometimes diaries are good for things you might not want to say out loud, or put online.

A psychologist might help. If you find the right one; one who understands your illnesses, or makes an effort to, and doesn't irritate you, or make ridiculous suggestions. (ie. "You don't have ME/CFS, it's anxiety and depression. Get an AD from your doctor.") There are some really good psychologists/counsellors, etc. out there.

I hope you feel better soon. Feel free to email me. =) Alex. *hugs again*

Annie said...

You ladies are the sweetest people ever! I do have both a psychologist and a psychiatrist, and hopefully we'll get it all figured someday.

I love the suggestions! Especially the watching something epically sad and just sobbing it out.

Lots of love to you all!!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Annie, You know I've had my share of crying,depressing,feeling hopeless moments. You're not alone in your pain or feelings.I know you know this but,it doesn't make your pain and anguish any easier. When I need to pull myself together.I have a mantra that I say as I breathe in and out slowly.It is:"The will of God will never lead you,Where the Grace of God won't keep you." I find it relaxes and calms me. I don't know why God has chosen me(and you,and others to hurt like this)but I have to believe that he will someday,sometime touch me(us) and relieve us of our pain.(Physically &Emotionally) Lately my fibro pain has waned,but now I suffer horribly with my stomach & intestines. No Dr.seems to have any answers for me.(Sound familiar?)But again I will put my trust in God to help me.That doesn't mean I won't have days of depression,or crying moments(hours or days).Just know you're NEVER ALONE.You are in my thoughts & prayers every day.Love,FrancieML

Anonymous said...

Aw! I so hope things get better for you soon. It's so not fair that awesome ppl like you go through so much bad stuff! :(

I am really not qualified to give advice on stopping crying... Because I tend to just sob until I eventually fall asleep! If I have the energy and my hand is cooperating, drawing seems to help - I guess it's relaxing and makes me think about something else for a while :)


Baffled said...

If your crying is from hormone imbalance it isn't your fault you are crying. It is a chemical imbalance in your body. When mine goes on the fritz the day before my period starts I remind myself that I have a chemical imbalance, I let myself cry a bit and then move on. My mom used to always say "This too shall pass" and that becomes my mantra on days like that.

As far as the pain clinic, I agree about taking an advocate with you. My husband went with me to the doc one day and suddenly I had an appointment to see a virologist instead of doing the wait and see thing the doc had been advocating.

As far as sleep goes, it is so hard to sleep when in pain. I have to get up and move around after about six hours. I switch sleeping locations, bed, couch, pillows, no pillows. I also have a wonderful CD my friend sent me, Tibetan Bliss: Singing Bowl Sound Healing Experience by Beth Amrit Sadhana Mullin. If I am having a hard time falling asleep I put this on and in five minutes or so I'm ready for bed. The best night's sleep I've had recently occured when I accidentally put my CD player in repeat and fell asleep listening to this. Every time I woke in the night the bells quickly lulled me back to sleep. It was great.

Hugs. Feel better.

Baffled said...

Please forgive the brain fog. It is one of those days. I just remembered a post I did on my own blog regarding sleeping and I also found a cool free ebook on sleeping. The blog entry has a ling to the National Sleep Foundation which has a lots of information on sleep hygene which, when I was well, worked for me. Right now I've adopted free range sleeping which is explained in the 40 Sleep Hacks book and my blog entry.



middle child said...

I usually have to cry until I am done. Like empty.

yellowlablover said...

A lot of times of I convince myself it is not worth crying. I mean it is really not worth the energy (what little I have left) to cry and I also convince myself that folks out there have it worse off then me.

I am not saying it works all the time for me, but it has helped because it really takes everything out of me when I cry and sob and then I am useless.

You have to remember you have a lot going on and with the hormonal imbalance you can't control it all the time.... I love your list, esp it is enough to have done my best... you are a true inspiration my dear..

much love, virtual hug and a kiss..
yellowlablover (gina(

Gerri said...

My problem is the opposite - I haven't cried in a long time and I did tear up at a wedding scene on TV that was it. Here's what I do for sleep and I sleep 5 out of 7 nights

Shut down the computer about an hour before you want to go to bed

Watch TV for an hour (or less)

Hop in bed and read a book

Go to bed around the same time every night

plus I do take OTC and prescribed sleep meds

Your offline friends, relative and online friends are here for you in sickness and in health. I know with me sometimes I'm not sure what to say about a certain situation just know that I am here for you.