...

I may be getting hospitalized today.

Hopefully, I'll be back.

xoxo,
Annie

Things That Bug Me Mondays

Mmm...I am absolutely exhausted at the beginning of this week.

Let me start my bitchfest, shall I??

• The fact that my meds are SO hard to adjust.  Pain alleviates when I up the SSRI, but I turn into a complete and total head case.  Zero emotional control.  
• As a result of this current brain chemistry, I have a continual chest pain knot that I have had off and on since I was 13.  Not pleasant.
• Loneliness.  I'm becoming close to a hermit.
• Excessive thoughts of existentialism.
• The fact that my earrings seemed to have gotten lost in the mail :(
• Getting stuck in a crowd of people.
• Having to take my paper snowflakes off of the windows because it isn't winter anymore! (The first part boo - the latter yay!)
• Waking up and still having a headache.

Ick.  Mondays.

What's getting you down??

xoxo,

Annie

Chronic Illness and Work

THE ChronicBabe herself, Editrix Jenni, asks about our thoughts on chronic illness and work, ("bringing home the bacon" as they say), this time around for our blog carnival.

(Image from WeHeartIt)

This is a touchy subject on my part.  I am currently unemployed, as well as being completely unable to hold down a job as a result of my current state of health.  I do not have disability support.  I bring in absolutely NO income and manage to be a reasonable financial burden, carried by both my parents and my boyfriend/common-law.  I have also never held a job longer than 3 months in my entire life.

As a result, I place a serious amount of guilt upon myself (even though I know I should be kind and forgiving!).  I feel like I SHOULD be able to find something to bring in money, or at least try and stay healthy enough to work part-time hours.  So it goes...mental battle ensues.

I set one goal for myself in the last six months and that was to get this blog in shape and attract 100 unique visitors a day.  I wanted to treat it like a job, my one connection to the kind of lives so-called "normal" people live.  I am happy to say that I have only missed posting one day on this blog in the last few months.  In my opinion, that's a pretty good track record.  I do this to remind myself that I actually am just sick and not somehow lazy without my knowledge.

I daydream every single day about the possibility of making money from my writing.  It's something I can do at any time, and I surely seem to have something to say about every subject.

But when it comes right down to it...I cannot currently keep myself alive.  I am dependent on others.  I often worry that maybe it's because I'm not clever enough to come up with a brilliant 'make money at home' strategy.  Or maybe I just don't have the energy.  Who knows?

Either way, it's not a nice feeling.

xoxo,
Annie

Some Thoughts From Internet-Land

(Images from WeHeartIt)

xoxo,
Annie

Love Me Fridays

• The fact that I'm finally starting to feel better(ish) after having my body attacked by something rather violent that upped both my fear of death and desire for death at the same time.
• Britain's Next Top Model being so gosh-darn amusing.
• The poems of Emily Dickinson.
• Having the BEST boyfriend who takes super-good care of me when I am sick (which God knows, is a lot!).
• The fact that Spring appears to have sprung!
• My mom just for being cool.
• Having my life sucked into other people's Tumblrs.
• All the well wishes I got in blogging land.
• Grooveshark
• Green is Sexy a website by the lovely actress Rachel McAdams!
• The fact that my friend Sarah is so wonderful that she loaned me an entire pile of Adbusters magazines to read as I lay on the couch!
• Pictures

(Images from WeHeartIt)

So beloved blog readers...what are you loving this week????

xoxo,

Annie

Losing Consciousness

Bad, bad virus.

Put pain scale right to 10 out of 10.

Mind-blowing.

The Mystery of Pain
Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was not.


It has no future but itself,
Its infite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.

~ Emily Dickinson

xoxo,
Annie

Pop Culture Wednesday

It's been another week heavy on the movies.

Alice in Wonderland

I was not all that impressed with this one.  I went in after hearing a mixture of good and bad reviews, and have to say that my opinion lands squarely in the middle.  The movie is okay.  Nothing special.  The actress who plays Alice has absolutely no emotion on her face and none of the characters have any depth.  All the 3D felt gimmicky and I just found myself bored.

Shrink

I really enjoyed this quirky little film.  I've always liked seeing Kevin Spacey on screen, and this fits in with my 'the world is bleak but find beauty in it anyway' worldview.  He plays a prominent LA psychiatrist whose wife has recently committed suicide.  As a result, he finds solace in marijuana and slowly finds himself less and less able to help his patients.  Art is made as a result of his and one of his patient's tragedies.

The Reader

Well this one was bleak.  It was an interesting way to tackle such taboo subject matter, with Ralph Fiennes' young character remaining tied to his first love, a much older woman in prison for life as a result of her actions within Nazi Germany (despite the fact that she was framed for a much worse role).  This movie shows the impact that individuals can have on each other's lives and is incredibly well done - but don't expect to have your spirits lifted high.

Food Inc.

I already eat fairly healthily, but after watching this film, I felt as though I needed to make a stand regarding my food choices.  That is what they are going for obviously, and it works.  This movie is disturbing and disgusting.  It is a film that I believe every single individual should be responsible to see.  You will think about where you purchase what you put in your mouth from that point forward, as well as its contents.

That's all for now, as I'm sleepy and need to go to the doctor in the morning.

xoxo,
Annie

Chronic Illness and Life Goals

Vladimir at Wellbook is hosting the next edition of the Patients for a Moment Blog Carnival and he asks a question that stirs a lot of mixed emotions in me.  He wonders - "how have you learned to adapt around your illness in order to accomplish things that are important to you - even though your illness may prevent you from achieving the goals you had before you got sick?"

I never had 'prior' goals to becoming ill.  I have been ill since the day I was born.  Some years have been better than others, and yes...I will admit that I started to set my sights on life higher during those times.  

For most of my life I was an incredibly confused child when it came to dream professions or ways of life.  As a result, I would basically mimic whoever I had decided was living a decent lifestyle at the time.  Whenever I was at home, I would basically sit cross-legged with a book and daydream about nothing I can remember, as I felt I didn't have a talent in the world.  Once I discovered people like Amanda (who writes at Pink Robots Need Love Too), I wanted to be athletic and super-social and disorganized!  She inspired me, so I tried to live like her.  I did the same thing to Leslie (who blogs at Silent All These Years) in the junior high years, joining Allied Youth to feel like part of something.

Around this time, I found out I had a photographic memory and that I could get EXCELLENT grades.  That was my life for the next...7 years or so.  I would sleep, eat, and dream education.  Plus, it worked perfectly as  someone with chronic illness (as both high school and university deal better with absences than work).  I was miserable and uninspired the entire time, and I'm not sure I would do it again if I had the chance.

I lost my photographic memory (actually a fair amount of my memory) when I was 19 years old.  This is when the illness severely took over my body, and I ended up having to move home to live with my parents.  I finished university online due to their urging (and am thankful I did).  I am still reasonably intelligent, just not the same.

Since those days, I've tried to get numerous jobs.  I have never worked more than a 2-3 month stretch in my entire life.  Those are the longest good stretches I've had.  I've never held an adult job.  

I am a late-bloomer at learning who I actually am.  Bed-ridden chronic illness has actually helped this process more than one would ever think.  I now know how much more I appreciate writing and art!  I know how much I want to stand up for rare diseases and mental illness - as there is so much stigma placed against them!

If I ever get this illness under control - I think I'll be able to follow those dreams.  But in a way, it definitely helped me get to where I needed to be.

Chronic Babe Bloggers' Blog Carnival (Favorite and Most-Useful Coping Mechanisms)

I'm hosting the Chronic Babe Bloggers' Blog Carnival on a topic very near and dear to those of us with chronic illness - how to cope when things get too painful/overwhelming.  Here are the ideas that were sent to me!

Diana Lee at Somebody Heal Me: The Musings of a Chronic Migraineur posts about her love of the NCAA March Madness, and how getting swept up in something that isn't daily life can help distract from the daily challenges at http://somebodyhealme.dianalee.net/2010/03/tournament-time-helps-my-sad-sack-guilt.html.

Assiya at For A Fairer Today writes about how studying disability has empowered her to embrace her illness and stand up for her rights at http://fairertoday.blogspot.com/2010/03/studying-disability-my-coping-skill.html.

Selena at Oh My Aches and Pains writes about how she has learned to make various parts of her life fibro-friendly (especially gardening!) at http://www.ohmyachesandpains.info/2010/03/my-favorite-fibromyalgia-coping.html

Vladimir at Wellbook Blog writes about his four favorite coping mechanisms for chronic illness at http://wellbook.org/Note/325/My_Coping_Mechanisms.

Maureen at Mo Is Blogging...I Think writes her list of things she has accepted will never be the same and how she deals with this change at http://moisbloggingithink.wordpress.com/2010/03/21/love-me-the-way-i-am/.

Elisabeth at Redefining Good has a wonderful list of her guaranteed cheer up practices!  I'll have to try some of these out!  Read the post at http://redefininggood.wordpress.com/2010/03/22/coping/.

As for my own personal favorite and most-useful coping mechanisms:

• Taking a hot bath.  I find harsh temperature changes too much to deal with though, so I start by plugging the bathtub and then sit in the shower for awhile.  Once my body gets used to the heat, I fill the rest of the bathtub with warmer water :)

(If only I looked this good doing it!)

• Watching good movies/bad tv/reading.  Unfortunately, the more sick I feel and the more pain I am in, the less attention I can commit to this endeavor.  I'm thinking I might start trying to get my hands on some audiobooks soon.

• I have a very restricted diet.  I have Celiac Disease and something that is resembling gastroparesis.  Since I eat only soft food, I will try to have a special treat of dark chocolate and a nice cheese throughout the course of the day so it feels a little more special.
• Trying to daydream my way through the pain.  Or dreaming of eating some of the foods I can't eat.  Or taking vacations.  Anything to help me cope with my limitations.  

(Images from WeHeartIt)

• When REALLY sick, I plug in my iPod and just try to lay still and let the music distract my brain from the pain.
• Pills.  I know this is a bad coping skill (habit), but I often see no other options.  When everything else has failed and you are too uncomfortable to consider that continuing living is a reasonable option, you take some pills.  I do what I have to do to survive.

Now I want suggestions people!!!  If you have any good coping mechanisms that you want to share, please do so in the comments - I always need new ideas!

xoxo,
Annie

Things That Bug Me Mondays

Wow, it's Monday again already.

Things that are getting to me this week in my once-allowed crank-pot session:

• The fact that I get such severe side effects (particularly severe akathisia) from starting the Zyprexa up that I'm off of the drug one day after it is prescribed to me.  Blargh.
• My apartment needs to be cleaned.  Badly.  I have been putting it off for many days, but now that I'm capable of getting up and moving for brief periods again, I really should take care of it.
• I was disappointed in how many bloggers wrote for the Chronic Babe/General Chronic Illness Carnival - I started with 2 but at least got 2 more last night.
• The fact that my computer continually overheats.  And that megavideo cuts me off all the time.  I really should just pay for a subscription and get it over with.
• I keep trying to come up with interesting food combinations, but with how little I can eat these days...I'm falling pretty flat.
• My skin is not getting better even with the antibiotics.

Otherwise,

I think this is funny and anyone who loves Ben Folds and is not afraid of the occasional curse word and chatroulette should totally check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FB1do0pULJY

(Images from WeHeartIt)

What about you??  What's making you be grumpy this Monday??

xoxo,
Annie

Mind = Blown

So just when you think I am the bearer of doom and gloom the unthinkable happens.

I HAVE HOPE!

I went to my new doctor, expecting the usual accusations and trial and error medications.  Instead, I got reinforcement that none of this is related to a "somatization" disorder and it is no one's fault (despite the fact that I'm sure myself, my mother, and my father all carry some kind of guilt for it).  It was suggested that the issues are Bipolar Disorder and ADHD, but that the real problems are a reasonably rare, severe serotonergic disorder that has been causing constant pain since birth, and a super fast metabolism of drugs.  However, he wasn't terribly concerned with labels for disorders.  What mattered to him is that things are wrong, and they need to be fixed...simple as that.

Autoimmune issues and other previously diagnosed diseases are also present and he does not think that they will all be easy issues to up and remove.

The difference is - he is willing to try doses rarely used in conventional medicine, as well as support unconventional medicines in coordination with a pain clinic - like Marinol.  He also knows a doctor in Montreal who specializes in these types of things, so if he can't get it under control, there are connections that he can contact.

It's not a quick fix.  It's not necessarily a fix at all.  But I might be able to get in contact with someone who has seen someone like me before.  I might be rare, but I don't think I'm alone anymore.

xoxo,
Annie

Can I Be A Flower Child?

Another sleepless, nausea/vomit/pain filled day and night.

I feel like I will never catch a break at this rate.  Also, I managed to break yet another bathtub plug.  I must have like a special gift for that.  Out of all the special gifts I could have been given, it wouldn't have been my first choice, but hey, whatever works right?

I'm thinking of never leaving the house again at this point, but I have a doctor's appointment later and my mother and boyfriend are likely going to drag me kicking and screaming no matter what I do.

Blah.

Let's play pretend.  Can I be a pretty flower child please??

(Images from WeHeartIt)

I refuse to be miserable about this.

Going to day-dream land (since I can't get to real dream land!)

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend!!

xoxo,

Annie

Love Me Fridays

Well it's been a hard week, but a good week in a way.  I even had a day where I kept down all my food!  Yay!

Anyways, these are the things I'm loving right now:

• Lady Gaga and Beyonce's music video for Telephone.  This is an absolute MUST right now.  Gaga is a muse for the world, and her art lets me disappear into another reality.  Seriously, glasses made of lit cigarettes??  Crazy cool.

• Bright color eyeshadow (or really anything...) in celebration of Spring!

• Turning my reduced ability to eat food into the ability to buy higher quality products in an smaller amount.  Good chocolate, cheese, chicken, and fish here I come!
• Pulling out my old behavior therapy books and giving myself a refresher course!  It's kind of like language I guess, if you don't constantly use it you lose it.
• Enjoying the feeling of being accepted by my blog readers, even if it is not a way I commonly feel in real life (even though I should as my family, boyfriend, and couple friends are awesome!).
• Jeff Bridges' win at the Oscars!

• Having a clearer head and more ideas today!
• Body lotion!  I have developed a recent obsession with it and continually find myself slathering it on.
• The fact that everyday is another chance to make things better.
• The Simpsons.

What about you, my beloved blog readers?  What is making life good this week?!

xoxo,
Annie

I Have a Bad Relationship With My Brain

Note:  I wrote this last night, but as I review it this morning it should still probably go out into the world.  Maybe I'll learn to accept myself a little more.  

I don't know how I developed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), or how such simple let-downs can turn into bone-shattering tragedies for me.

Most of the people who know me as an acquaintance would say this diagnosis is not true.  Not even remotely.  It is a disorder associated with shame and bad behavior.  Those closer to me (and my psychiatrists)...would speak of another truth (actually, one called it a mixed personality disorder, saying I bounced between borderline and histrionic personality disorders all of the time).

This disorder has led me to drive away 95% of the people who have ever attempted to have a close relationship with me.  It is composed of the feelings and actions that I want to hide away from the rest of the world, yet here I am writing about it.  After a couple of abandonment panics brought about by my judgmental factors on how those in society (especially those closest to me) should act, I just broke down in despair and anger.  I treat people the way I would want to be treated, but apparently my standards are unrealistically high.

I have a history of hurting myself to make the pain seem more under control, as well as dissociating entirely.  I am now highly medicated and try to avoid the urge, but it exists all the same and sometimes I give in.

I have learned the basics of Dialectical Behavior Therapy and have found it to be of no help.  This blog is the closest thing to helping me, as it allows me to write out my feelings and then reflect back on them/get input from others (who will hopefully not judge me for this).

Borderline Personality Disorder is often linked to serious childhood abuse/trauma, of which no one close to me remembers any.  I don't remember much from my childhood, so it is based mostly on the interpretation of others.

I have epic imagined abandonment issues and when those become real, the shit hits the fan.

I am letting my fear flag fly today...maybe someday I'll be able to figure it out.  God knows, I'm trying.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

(Image from WeHeartIt)

Pop Culture Wednesday

Now is the time I give a round-up of the mass amount of pop culture I've been consuming as I aim to get better and become part of society again!

First up (and my personal favorite of the bunch) is Penelope!

I got wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much joy out of this movie.  I have no idea what took me so long to see it, why I hadn't heard about it more, etc...  It's not Oscar-winning material, but it is the best feel-good movie I have seen in a LONG time.  This one will be played on a regular basis from this point forth.

I also watched Sunshine Cleaning:

It was good.  I wouldn't go as far as great, as it is just a dark indie flick.  Amy Adams and Emily Blunt are two of my favorite actresses, so I think I just expected a little too much from this film.  Definitely worth checking out and making your own opinion on though!

Next up was Jennifer's Body:

Several people had described this movie to me as the worst they've ever seen.  I wouldn't go that far.  I thought it was campy, fun, and played like a music video.  It's not something I would recommend to the masses for sure, but if you like B-grade horror/comedy - it's an amusing little time.

I also watched Basic Instinct (flash to the 90s...):

It's a good movie.  I'd call it horror porn.  I wouldn't go out of my way to watch it again, but now I know what all the fuss was about.

I also watched From Paris, With Love:

I had heard NOTHING about this movie prior to watching it.  I found it thrilling to see John Travolta back on screen having as much fun as he did in Pulp Fiction and Hairspray.  This movie plays out more like a video game, but is a non-stop adrenaline rush.  Violence galore though, so not for overly sensitive eyes.

Obviously, I have been watching a lot of movies.  I should really get a new hobby.

Also, reminder - need submissions for Chronic Babe Carnival on favorite and most/useful coping mechanisms within the next little bit!!

xoxo,
Annie

Uninspired

I am back to putting Steviamycin on my face in order to try and combat the cystic acne problem but the whole top layer of skin is peeling right off.  It's yucky.  I feel about as attractive as...the hairy, deteriorating coconut on my counter.

I suck at metaphors.  I know.

This is my latest piece of random art.  I painted a crocodile and then got him to hold up a more abstract painting.

Me looking perplexed.

Even though it's sunny, and I should be happy...I'm not.  I'm not unhappy.  I'm just uninspired.  I need a muse.

On the plus side, I'm feeling like 5% better than I have been for the last few days.  So yay for that!

Plus I got to see my beloved Miss Esther and later I get to see my beloved Miss Sarah.

Keep on keepin' on I guess!!

xoxo,
Annie

How I'm Feeling: Quote

"Everything has been figured out, except how to live."
~ Jean-Paul Sartre

Things That Bug Me Mondays

Ugh.

That was a bad week for the books.

Let's hope this one looks up a bit, shall we?

In terms of what is getting under my skin these days:

• Of course, the recent intensity of my illness and the fact that no physician seems to give even a remote damn about it.
• I miss food.  I am hungry ALL of the time.
• I got angry and I hit my hand on the car as a result of the frustration in the ER.  Now my hand hurts.
• My ability to sleep better on the couch than the bed recently.  I always wake up in more pain on the couch, but I guess it's better than not sleeping at all.
• Pills that don't do what they are supposed to do.
• Loud music, loud crying, loud lighting.  Everything seems extra loud these days.
• Hiccups.
• My inability to be remotely productive...

What's bugging you guys this week?? 

xoxo,

Annie

The Happiness Award

Thanks to Forgetful Girl, I have been gifted a blog award!!

The Happiness Award
The rules:
1.)When you have received this award you must thank the person that awarded you this in the new post.
2.) Name the 10 things that make you happy
3.) Pass this award onto 10 otherbloggers and inform the winners

10 Things That Make Me Happy:

1. Real laughter with real friends.  Such a hard thing to find sometimes.
2. Watching really bad TV (good TV is fun, but it doesn't give you that same guilty pleasure factor!)
3. My inspiration binders...with my memory being as short as it is, I love being able to look at things that give me the urge to be more artistic.
4. Well-fitting/well-made clothes.  I'm learning this more and more with age, but I feel so much better whenever I'm in something that makes me look good.
5. Hugs.  I wish I could have them all the time (except for when my skin hurts!!)
6. Comforters/Quilts.  I swear, rarely a moment goes by when I am in someone's home and not covered in a blanket of theirs or have brought my own.  I am freezing all of the time, and something about being wrapped up makes me happy.
7. The Internet.  Where would I be without the Internet?  I doubt it would be a good place, that is for sure.
8. Sunshine (but with cool temps as I do not do well with large temperature changes!)
9. Filling up shopping carts online and then just imagining buying them (without doing it).  I also do this with food (most of which I can't eat).  The daydreaming helps me through it.
10. Natural sleep.  This is so incredibly rare for me that when I get it, it's potentially the best feeling in the entire world.  Oh well.

I award:

Sarah

Robyn 

Dominique

Laurel

Maureen

Ms.F.

Leslie

Basically, anyone I'm friends with...feel free to have a Happiness Award!!

xoxo,

Annie

Heartbroken

I am done with the Prince Edward Island health care system.

Done, done, done.

I give up.

I don't think I have any more fight left in me.  I will just sit at home, and let things happen as they will I guess.

How I'm Feeling: Quote

"I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass." 

~Maya Angelou

Things I Think Would Make Me Feel Better If I Had...

For all I know, nothing will make me feel better.  Alas, this is what I'm currently Internet crushing on.

Tea-shirts on hangers!!!

Little sewn sugar skulls!!  I would put these all over my house.  Need.  Want.  Bad.

Pretty illustrations who I have no idea who the artists are as these photos are all from WeHeartIt!  Still think they are absolutely lovely though!

A staircase bookshelf.  Not that I even have a staircase where I live.  But someday...

A collection of awesomely designed bowls.  There are like 182 levels of cool with this collection.

Can my nail polish collection magically be this big please??

I think this pillow would improve my life drastically.  I could probably even do it myself if I could buy a pattern.

This outfit on Emma Watson is soooooo decadent.  If I was wearing this, I'd probably look much less ill.

Also, this INCREDIBLE photo-shoot which is blow my mind beautiful:
http://kjsdesign.blogspot.com/2010/02/graffiti.html

And on that note, I'm going to go back to sleep as I feel like I've been beaten with a transfer truck.

I hope everyone enjoys their weekend :)

xoxo,
Annie