Chronic Illness and Life Goals

Vladimir at Wellbook is hosting the next edition of the Patients for a Moment Blog Carnival and he asks a question that stirs a lot of mixed emotions in me.  He wonders - "how have you learned to adapt around your illness in order to accomplish things that are important to you - even though your illness may prevent you from achieving the goals you had before you got sick?"

I never had 'prior' goals to becoming ill.  I have been ill since the day I was born.  Some years have been better than others, and yes...I will admit that I started to set my sights on life higher during those times.  

For most of my life I was an incredibly confused child when it came to dream professions or ways of life.  As a result, I would basically mimic whoever I had decided was living a decent lifestyle at the time.  Whenever I was at home, I would basically sit cross-legged with a book and daydream about nothing I can remember, as I felt I didn't have a talent in the world.  Once I discovered people like Amanda (who writes at Pink Robots Need Love Too), I wanted to be athletic and super-social and disorganized!  She inspired me, so I tried to live like her.  I did the same thing to Leslie (who blogs at Silent All These Years) in the junior high years, joining Allied Youth to feel like part of something.

Around this time, I found out I had a photographic memory and that I could get EXCELLENT grades.  That was my life for the next...7 years or so.  I would sleep, eat, and dream education.  Plus, it worked perfectly as  someone with chronic illness (as both high school and university deal better with absences than work).  I was miserable and uninspired the entire time, and I'm not sure I would do it again if I had the chance.

I lost my photographic memory (actually a fair amount of my memory) when I was 19 years old.  This is when the illness severely took over my body, and I ended up having to move home to live with my parents.  I finished university online due to their urging (and am thankful I did).  I am still reasonably intelligent, just not the same.

Since those days, I've tried to get numerous jobs.  I have never worked more than a 2-3 month stretch in my entire life.  Those are the longest good stretches I've had.  I've never held an adult job.  

I am a late-bloomer at learning who I actually am.  Bed-ridden chronic illness has actually helped this process more than one would ever think.  I now know how much more I appreciate writing and art!  I know how much I want to stand up for rare diseases and mental illness - as there is so much stigma placed against them!

If I ever get this illness under control - I think I'll be able to follow those dreams.  But in a way, it definitely helped me get to where I needed to be.