I don't know how I developed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), or how such simple let-downs can turn into bone-shattering tragedies for me.
Most of the people who know me as an acquaintance would say this diagnosis is not true. Not even remotely. It is a disorder associated with shame and bad behavior. Those closer to me (and my psychiatrists)...would speak of another truth (actually, one called it a mixed personality disorder, saying I bounced between borderline and histrionic personality disorders all of the time).
This disorder has led me to drive away 95% of the people who have ever attempted to have a close relationship with me. It is composed of the feelings and actions that I want to hide away from the rest of the world, yet here I am writing about it. After a couple of abandonment panics brought about by my judgmental factors on how those in society (especially those closest to me) should act, I just broke down in despair and anger. I treat people the way I would want to be treated, but apparently my standards are unrealistically high.
I have a history of hurting myself to make the pain seem more under control, as well as dissociating entirely. I am now highly medicated and try to avoid the urge, but it exists all the same and sometimes I give in.
I have learned the basics of Dialectical Behavior Therapy and have found it to be of no help. This blog is the closest thing to helping me, as it allows me to write out my feelings and then reflect back on them/get input from others (who will hopefully not judge me for this).
Borderline Personality Disorder is often linked to serious childhood abuse/trauma, of which no one close to me remembers any. I don't remember much from my childhood, so it is based mostly on the interpretation of others.
I have epic imagined abandonment issues and when those become real, the shit hits the fan.
I am letting my fear flag fly today...maybe someday I'll be able to figure it out. God knows, I'm trying.
(Image from WeHeartIt)