This weekend I did that. I saw...more people than I have seen in a couple of months. It was an odd sensation, as though I was disconnected and watching someone else at play instead of myself (even though it was spent in nearly complete honesty!). I hate showing my true self to people, so I have NO IDEA why I write such personal bullshit.
I hate to look frail in public - I hate that I can't come up with an interesting blog post because I've slept the last 18 hours and my brain doesn't work - and I hate that I need people to help me with my recovery, but I have no idea how to access them.
I feel like my recovery is faltering and this disturbs me. I have been sleeping more than I ever have in my entire life. I can't put together a to-do list for the life of me, or do the dishes, or put away the laundry...My brain and reality just are not connecting after the amount of special control required to seem properly adjusted in public for so long.
I wish it wasn't so easy for my feelings to be hurt. Everyone who knew/knows me always said that I would build a tougher exterior eventually...I'm still waiting for that to happen, and doubting it ever will.
Even so, I will keep trying. I need friends. I need family. So I will keep attempting to put myself out there!
(Images from WeHeartIt)
Does anyone else have such a hard time going out there and acting normal? I know I have a few readers who can't really go out at all, so I can rephrase to having in friends and family. Does having illness push us into being hermit-like? Why is this happening?