Saturday, July 3, 2010

Secret Illness Confessions

Confession time:

Sometimes I faint because I refuse to eat.  Not for the purpose of anorexia, but because I am terrified of food and what it does to my body (often in no way, shape or form agreeing with me...).  I'm sure eating less also accounts for how much more I sleep.  Food needs to be nearly stuffed down my throat by a loved one unless I feel well :(.  I drink endless amounts of V8 Fusion and meal replacement shakes, but the honest truth is that I have very little appetite.  Whatsoever.  Bleh.

Also, I hurt myself a bit when I fainted, by hitting the corner of a wall, so I really should smarten the hell up right??



(Images from WeHeartIt)

Sadly, I'm still obsessed with the subject - especially high end creations of organic food.  Maybe someday my loves will overlap :).

I've also developed substantially more social anxiety, and have a hard time leaving the house without a well-packed bag of illness-helpers.

In addition to that, I've become more paranoid that people think that I'm a complete buzzkill, incredibly boring, and a variety of other odd hang-ups.  I can catch these thoughts and turn them more positive, but they show up a LOT.

Does anyone else find they have any strange hang-ups like this in regards to their illness??  I'm sure I have a million-more, but these are just flying off of the top of my head.

I sometimes wonder if I'm moving forward or just staying at standstill.  My twitter friends and I have determined that I need a pet.

xoxo,
Annie

19 comments:

Sonja said...

My thing about my endo is that I never get hopeful anymore. No matter what the drs say, it always seems to come back to fuck things up, so why bother to plan long term or get my hopes up about anything? So now I just don't. Even this surgery I'm recovering from, my bday is next week and everyone is like "oh what are we gonna do??" and I just go, "idk, depends on how I feel, I'm not making plans, I don't want them to blow up in my face like usual."

coffee said...

Oh TOTALLY. I know I've become a lot less interesting to a lot of people. There are a few subjects I can go on & on about (illness, yarn, coffee, etc) but other things, the things that most people I run into find interesting, I could really not care less. So I feel like I have very little in common with those around me, which is not the best way to make friends. And I'm sure you know how hard it is to act engaged & try to make lively conversation when you feel like crap.
Second, I'm not familiar with your situation, but have you examined your food intolerances? If you have, maybe they need reevaluating?

Lee Lee said...

um .... YEP ... If I am honest with myself I am scared to death of leaving my home. Some of the fear is warranted but largely it's fear of 'what if' .... I hate it because I don't wanna be trapped in here everyday alone .... but how do you make yourself get over that fear?

Dominique said...

I don't know if I would say I fear leaving my home, but I am getting more and more home bound because it is so taxing to go out in pubic anymore.

One of my fears is that America will embrace GET and CBT. Or that they will finally deem we really are mental misfits and put us in mental hospitals. Is that crazy or what. I think that is the result of 20+ years of hearing it's all in my head.

Dominique said...

Oh one more. Having to be taken care of because I can no longer do it. Big one for me.

Sonja said...

coffee--

I'm the same way. I don't deal with the petty drama most people are into, I got way too much going on health wise to waste my time with that crap. And if I'm stuck at home, usually what I can talk about is what was on the history channel or what books I read or my cat. Most people find me boring.

Sam said...

I get what you are saying. Being sick sucks in so many ways. This is my first time here, so I'm wondering about food intolerences also. I found out that I'm gluten intolerent and when I eat it I also have more fibro pain. That's in addition to all the intestinal issues gluten brings. Damn wheat!

Migrainista said...

I've developed quite a few anxieties as a result of my ailments. I struggle to make plans, always worried that I won't feel okay when the time comes. And I also worry that I'm not the vibrant interesting person I was before.

I do feel lucky that when I'm actually doing something with people I'm largely able to enjoy it free from these anxieties that are with me most of my days.

'Sofa Karen...' said...

Hi Fellow 'Book Reviewer'!! Thank you for popping by my blog. Thought I'd come over and say hi back.

Firstly, I never loose my appetite. EVER. Sometimes I wish I could as it would help with the weight challenges of all this lying round!

And, yes there are thoughts that I have that I know well people don't have, that when I was well I didn't have. The biggest one is 'will I be able to do...'. I dream about never having to think like this again. I miss having faith in my body! xx

Phoenix Peacock said...

chronic illness is a total mindfuck. But I say good for you for looking for the positive. I know for me, that I would rather really live life and I don't want the illness to "win" by getting inside my head. Of course, it still does, but hey, I try to be optomistic at least!

Annie said...

As I read each of these, I think I have every single one.

Must be a long-time patient phenomenon! It is so sad how much of our hope it crushes :(

Melissa Fairchild / PrincessLilla said...

Every minute of every hour of every day I feel as if I am just not good enough for anyone and am a burden on everyone. I feel that I can never do enough to fulfill my role in society and in my home life. I don't work and am in the hearing process of disability determination. I contribute no money to the household, but do as much as I can to make up for it, and still feel as if it is not enough. I just plain old feel unworthy of anything. There is my biggest confession.

The Happy Panda said...

I can totally relate to the food issues. Whilst I always have an appetite and unable to adjust to the fact that more restricted mobility from ME/CFS means that that I should be eating less - leading to some annoying weight gain which I suspect will get worse!But that's just an annoyance, my big problem is between allergic to gluten as well as wanting to eat as healthily as possible. I've realised I've become really control freaky if anyone else prepares food for me as it won't be done how I want it even though I should be grateful for anyone offering to take any chores off my hands or trying to take care of me! I'm a real foodie as well but I now hate even the rare occasions I go out to eat as I spend the whole time wondering about how they're actually making the food. I was never like this before chronic illness, I hate the way it feels like everyday it changes something else about the way I am.

Toni said...

It was amazing to read all of these comments. It's like reading about myself. It's both comforting and scary to see how much all of us have in common as a result of long term chronic illness. Thanks for starting another great discussion, Annie. It helps to know you're all out there, supporting me because you feel like me!

Annie said...

Yes Toni, it really affects all of us in very similar ways :(

Also Melissa, I feel the exact same way but it is not even remotely true, when everyone tells me that life is worth more than that.
xoxox

Corrine/Frock And Roll said...

I don't think that I have any food issues in particular (except for the fact that uh, I love it?!), but mention spiders and ooh, do I lose the plot. I am a massive arachnophobic!

Mo said...

I must confess that I never answer the door, I don't want to see anyone. I also don't answer the phone, I stand there and listen to the message. I don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone that is cheerful and talkative. If I am out at a store and I see someone I know off in the distance, I turn around and go the other way. Totally anti-social. Yep. that's me!
mo

happycatuk said...

Blimey .. Annie, I'm so glad you started this topic, as I can identify with *so* many people here... :(

I fear that I'm boring, too, especially if I talk about my CFS/ME; my average day, with its minor triumphs and disasters, bores *me*, so Gods alone knows how boring it must be to hear!

One of the odd benefits/side-effects of my recent break-up (single after 12yrs, eek) is finding out that good friends *do* see past the illness and find my good qualities, and that by taking an interest in them, they take an interest in you and, in my case, being open about my vulnerability gives other sensitive sorts the permission to be open about their own. Am learning how to get the balance right, and ask as well as give, but...

[hugs everyone who's posted]

Anonymous said...

Remember how you used to be? I say "fake it 'til you make it"; meaning, I too have had times when I feel boring and uninterested in the rest of the world. When/IF I recognize it while it's happening, I search my brain for when I was not sick, and how did I talk to people then. I often remember that I was "curious", and if there's a subject someone is talking about, it was an opportunity to learn something new, so I'd just start firing questions and soon, I'd be "into" it along with everyone else. Of course, now I have developed ways to politely exit these (over)stimulating times, to take a break (bathroom, anyone?).

We are fragile, physically, mentally and neurologically; don't fight it, find ways around it. Then REST, LOL! XXOO