Thursday, July 22, 2010

Meltdowns 101

So today I am going to talk about meltdowns, as I have a serotonin toxicity thing going on in my body.

I know we all have them.  Those with a chronic illness tend to have them a bit more than average.  I might even have them a bit more than average of the chronic illness group hahaha.

I have meltdowns over money because I can't work.
I have meltdowns over feeling like a burden.
I have meltdowns over being scared I'm going to die.
I have meltdowns over the fact that sometimes dying crosses my mind as a good thing.
I have meltdowns over the amount of anxiety from not properly controlled brain chemicals/hormones.
I have meltdowns over keeping my boyfriend awake when he has to work in the morning and I don't.
I have meltdowns over large groups of people and lots of noise.
I have meltdowns over the idea of living a long life with this much pain.
I have meltdowns over the fact that a simple shower or hug can hurt me.
I have meltdowns that I am only 23 years old and seriously lack on the ability to have fun.
I have meltdowns because no one I know in person understands what I am going through.
I have meltdowns because the people that do understand are in the Internet world and I wish I could be with them when they are in pain.
I have meltdowns that my boyfriend will no longer find me attractive.
I have meltdowns when people change their plans with me at the last minute because it takes me so long to prepare for any outing.

Basically, I have started Cryfest 2010.

As a result, I'm sorry if I'm behind on reading people's blogs - I can hardly manage to write my own.  For some reason I choose to do this instead of anything else.  I need the therapy of it I think.

(Images from WeHeartIt)

Anyone else having meltdowns these days??



DrSnit said...

Cryfest 2010

it's on.
like donkeykong.


sorry you're saddy.


We're here for you.

All my best friends live on the internet too!!

Sonja said...

"Breakdown" by Tom Petty could be my theme song.

I relate so much to what you said. Almost every point.

Almost had one when my brother casually mentioned that while he was at home today my mother wants me to move back home.

Somehow I'm keeping it together, the new mood stabilizer is helping, but this week it's one thing after another and I'm about to give out.

Which is another Petty song.


But girl, I so understand, and the whole "burden" thing I've struggled for years with.

Have you ever heard of doing a "thought record?" Those help me when I'm bombarded by those kind of thoughts.

Oh, and about the death thing? When I heard George Steinbrinner died, my first thought was "oh, lucky guy." Yeah, not healthy much.

Toni said...

I use the term meltdown too and almost everything on your list has been led to a cryfest for me at some point during this nine years of illness.

I hear you. I get it. And so do your other Internet friends. Take care of yourself.


Wendy Burnett said...

I am soooooo there with you. I am lucky enough to have r/l folks that "get it," but other than that, you could have been writing my meltdown list

Anonymous said...

Annie, I have been on auto-pilot meltdown lately. Don't know what to do about it.

I love my internet friends.


SarahBear9708 said...

Hun, I know all too well how you're feeling. I have meltdowns over these sorts of things all the time, and then sometimes I just have meltdowns for absolutely no specific reason whatsoever. I think it's just part of how we're wired, and how much we have to deal with. But we are strong. And we have each other to help us through. Maybe we all are only connected through the internet, but that's still enough to reach out for support and give support as well. My main "support system" is online, and I thank God everyday that I have such wonderful people in my life. And yes, you are one of them! :)

Keep on pressing on. Together, we can do this.


coffee said...

Oh look, I'm having one right now, while I'm waiting for the Ambien to kick in. I've had several today, starting when I found out that the money I thought might just be "mine", to save & maybe spend a little of once in a while, is actually to be thrown in the pot with everything else & used for general expenses. Meaning health insurance & prescriptions. Meaning it's going to last about ten minutes. Just one more piece of freedom chipped away, one more chunk of my old life gone.
And yet I keep telling myself that I really don't have it so bad, compared to most of you guys. I don't have cancer, I'm not in horrible pain, I don't have lupus. So far as most people can tell, I'm just tired & depressed. Hell, maybe that's all that's really wrong with me and I just need to butch up. Oh wait I tried that- well not hard enough, obviously, right?
I don't comment as much as I'd like because I'm always on the iPhone (hate sitting at the computer) and it takes like 20 minutes to enter all this crap in. Just couldn't hold it on this time. DIAF, PMS.
Oh, and I love Tom Petty.

Selena said...

Hey Annie,

Serotonin toxicity/syndrome sounds really not good. Was that why you fell? I am really worried about you girl. Is it time to fire one of your doctors? Please take extra good care of yourself ... and update us all when you can.

Lynda Halliger-Otvos said...

July is the hardest month of all for me-every day warrants a crying moment or fifteen. Were it not for blogs, well, I'd be where I had been until a few years ago-alone, wondering, hoping, sad, depressed and under-treated. Now I have information and sympathetic ears and others like me.

and yes, we cry a lot.

elisabeth said...

I've had one or two meltdowns which completely freaked out hubby, since I usually tend to internalise (which is fairly unhealthy in its own way). Sometimes you just have to let the ick out, and you're carrying around an extra-large serving of ick- the trick is walking the line between therapeutic venting and complete loss of function. *hugs*

Annie said...

Thank you for the hugs everyone! I needed them...I'm starting to feel less like I'm croaking hopefully some of the meltdowns can slow down.

Love all of you!

Felicia said...

=( sorry to you hear you're having a rough time lately. I think all those worries are completely normal thoughts for someone with fibromyalgia to have. I know they've all crossed my mind at some point. I think the one thing that keeps from me frequently thinking of those things is that I know science can only learn more as time passes. I mean, they can't even say 100% what causes fibro, thus there isn't an amazing treatment plan. I'm confident that in our lifetime they will understand more about fibro and have better treatment options. To me, my job is to stay positive, be proactive and be patient waiting for science to figure it out.

Rachael said...

I have a terrible time with meltdowns, and just about all that you mentioned (sans the pain one) I meltdown about. I am always scared my very healthy boyfriend is going to up and leave me because I am sick and anxiety-ridden.

lilwatchergirl said...

I have a lot of meltdowns. I've worked hard on reducing their frequency and severity (I recommend CBT and antidepressants) but they still happen a lot. Two today.

Maya said...

I can identify with every last one of your meltdowns. And it's actually true that misery loves company. But in this case, only because this stupid illness is so isolating, you feel like you're all alone at the top of a mountain...and not in a good way.

The only one of your meltdowns I couldn't identify with were those boyfriend-related. Those are replaced by "I'm going to die alone" meltdowns because after all, would knowingly volunteer for this madness? And how can I find one of the 3 guys in the world who would; when I can barely leave my bed?

Pink Doberman said...

I have meltdowns!

I can't cry crying makes me hurt. Uggg.

Wish I could cry.

I have come up with different things that I consider to be fun! Things that others consider fun, hurt. So I have been redefining my life! Which has been helping!

.. melt downs can bring you closer to who you are meant to be. I am learning to accept. I am not there yet.

Blessings and Hugs,

KD said...

Totally get this cat has got kidney disease, we found out last Friday, she has been with us since she was 2 and she is now is like losing a family member for us......I've been a wreck all week.

Take care,

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

Don't be sorry! You have to take care of you, and we all know that.

I have meltdowns pretty often, too. It's a wonderful side effect of having chronic depression and being chronically ill.

I wish I could be like that big book man and give you a hug. Hang in there, love!