Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Hard Times

I have a love/hate relationship with the morning.

For every single person who has ever told me that I would be more productive/better adjusted/less awkward if I got up earlier in the morning, there has been their opposite {usually my friends, boyfriend included} that sleep until the last possible minute, roll out of bed, go to work, and repeat - easy peasy.

I'm starting to think the problem is with me and not with the time I get up haha.

I swear it doesn't matter what illness you have, they all seem to have horrible peaks first thing in the morning and then coming to the end of a long day. I get miraculous breaks in the middle (probably because I have been pumping prescriptions by the boatload into my body...) that allow me to get at least a tiny bit of work done.

I don't know if I'm cut out for full-time. I'm pushing myself harder than I've EVER pushed before in my life. Last night I had a full-out breakdown of crocodile tears. I'm not sick enough to qualify for disability (yet...), but I'm too sick for most full-time work. God knows, no one can live off of a part-time salary, unless it's one great job I haven't heard of yet.

I keep telling myself it's not a personal failure, but of course I feel like it is. I feel like I should be able to control how my body reacts and the way my mind responds to certain courses of action. Sadly, I seem to be out of control on all of the above. I've been trying so hard to stay positive.

There has got to be a way to get through this.

I know it.


I am going to make one of these, post it on my wall, and then refer to it everyday. Colored post-it notes make life a little more worth living.


Anonymous said...

Oh wow! This was a sad post. At leastyou can take comfort in the fact that at your job at the call center involves sitting down for long periods of time, so it's not especially physically exhausting. What exactly do you feel is so challenging about it? How do you measure success? I don't think being unable to work full time is an indicator of failure either, but how do you determine a personal failure from something that's actually beyond your capabilities? Your post brought up alot of interesting questions.

Annie said...

Yes, I am loving the fact that this job allows me to sit all day. It's the first full-time job that I've actually made it to everyday in a long, long, long time. What is challenging is not the job, but my body and the fact that it freezes and even sitting in chairs for long periods is incredibly uncomfortable. On the plus side, pain killers help.

I know I shouldn't measure success as a full-time job, but I just feel so lame for not being able to support myself. I feel like a drain on my family and friends.

It is beyond my capabilities, and yet something I feel I should be able to be responsible for.

Thank you for your comment :)