Wise Words

(Image from WeHeartIt)

xoxo,

Annie

Foods That Should Be On My Regular 'Real Food' Shopping List

A List of Foods I Should Be Eating and Their Pharmaceutical Properties
(Selected from The Cancer Fighting Kitchen by Rebecca Katz)

1. Almonds (anti-inflammatory, fiber, blood sugar regulators) - I have a whole package of these with the skins on.  I really should get on trying to eat more of them.  They are a light enough food to keep down.
2. Apples (anti-inflammatory) - these are particularly yummy with peanut butter, and yet I'm never eating them.  WHY IS THIS??
3. Apricots (anti-inflammatory and full of potassium) - I had no idea on the latter!
4. Asparagus and every green vegetable (seems to have everything...) - I bought some of the former and put it in the fridge earlier :).
5. Avocados (same as above) - I'm a HUGE fan, and yet never seem to find any great ways to eat them.
6. Beans and Lentils (protein, minerals, and anti-inflammatory) - So useful!
7. Beets (anti-inflammatory) = Love
8. Chicken (cancer-preventative qualities!) - this is good as I'm a chicken and fish gal.
9. Chocolate (the dark kind) - has 4 times the antioxidants in tea!
10. Edamame (jumpstart the immune system) - yay! I like these for snacks.
11. Eggs (anti-inflammatory) - My protein staple for sure.
12. Garlic and Ginger (and a million other spices - if it's a spice, it's probably good for you...) - Spices make everything better.
13. Green Tea (polyphenols keep carcinogens inactive in the body!) - I like all tea.  And coffee.  And hot beverages in general.
14. Honey (antimicrobial and aids liver function) - I'd say add it in the tea but for some reason that combination weirds me out.
15. Onions (antibacterial and anti-inflammatory) - I think these are wonderful but my boyfriend thinks they are the scum of planet Earth.
16. Oranges (Vitamin C baby!) - Orange Juice is a horrible thing to puke.
17. Potatoes (regular and sweet - may have an overall detoxifying effect)  - I feel ambivalent toward my starches.
18. Quinoa, Rice, all basic grains.
19. Salmon (and most fish for the Omega-3s and anti-inflammatory-ness) - I love me some fish :)
20. Yogurt (probiotics for GI issues and immune system boosting!) - I'm lactose-intolerant too, but a little yogurt has never caused me too many problems.

What's on your must eat for health list???

xoxo,

Annie

A Poem Pour Vous

Feeling a little reflective today...

Over-thinking everything: what I'm doing with my life, who I'm choosing to spend time with, how my illness is switching up into its alternate stage...

I've been pretty productive in organizing my projects to be done, and as a result stumbled upon a poem I wrote in 2008 of which I was reasonably fond and thought I'd share:

A sweet smile

A glimpse of peace

A moment of silence

A sweet release

A magical moment

A clock brought still

A time for pleasure

A time to kill

A calm murmur

A silent scream

A tad unnatural

A bit obscene

Held together by stitches

Falling apart at the seams

A wonder to live

Ends question the means

Minute after minute

A day at a time

An opportunity to care

An excuse to rhyme

xoxo,

Annie

Love Me Fridays

It's the end of the week again!

I'm pretty sure my life is flying by and it kind of blows my mind.  I have a lot of things to be thankful for this week though.

• I got to hang out with my sister and Andrew MacDonald (who doesn't read this blog but should know that I love him anyways!).
• My friends Sarah and Adam like board games!  Finally my dreams of board game nights can become a reality!!!

• My mom and dad come home from Florida tomorrow night!!!  My parents are 300 kinds of awesome so I'm pretty excited about it.
• Having enough energy to do laundry!  I have a month's worth of it piled up here and it was starting to take over. 
• I've kept down a few things that resemble solid food (alas, I've given up sleep for this privilege).
• I keep watching Christian Siriano on TV and he makes me laugh so much that I'm pretty sure I have to go our and buy his book on being fierce later!

• I woke up happy for the first time in...probably 3 months!  Isn't that ridiculous?
• It's showing the first signs of spring here in PEI and it is making me feel like I might be coming to life again.

What about you?  What's making your week worth celebrating??

xoxo,
Annie

Want Please...

So today I'm flipping through my pictures and thinking of some things I'd kind of like to have:

A) A closet full of nice, vintage dresses.  Even if I could just wear them around the house, they would still look pretty :).

B) Even though I don't dislike my hair, I kind of wish I looked like Jenny Lewis.  Or wrote like Jenny Lewis.  Or really was anything like Jenny Lewis.

C) I had the chance to buy these once at a store on PEI and I've never seen them since.  Kicking myself has ensued from that day forward.  ADORABLE.

D) That is a kind of crazy cool hat.  

E)  I would like a panda that chills out on a rocking horse please.  That would be entertaining.

F) Kinda loving this painting.  Pretty sure it's from Red Velvet Art but not 100% on that.

G) This notebook is 18 levels of fantastic.  I could probably make something similar and might try.  I'd rather just be lazy and buy it though.

H) A pair of my friend Krista Cousins' very fun and striking earrings!  I already own a pair and have always been a huge fan.  She's just getting her site up and running, but check her out at http://www.etsy.com/shop/rosebudbeads.  To read more about her designing process, there is an interview with her at Pink Robots Need Love Too - http://hellohellorobots.wordpress.com/2010/02/25/rosebud-beads-with-the-lovely-krista-cousins/,

I)  Also, sleep would be good as apparently it's become impossible again!

Images from WeHeartIt - minus the last, from Rosebud Beads.

xoxo,
Annie

My Favorite Moment

Image from ffffound.com

I am going to talk about my favorite moment of my entire life for a minute. 

It might seem a little hippy-esque to some of you, but it is the memory I hold most near and dear to my heart (especially as my bad memories tend to walk all over my good ones as my health tends to ruin most potentially good times).  

It was this past summer.  I was at the beach with my beloved boyfriend Jonathan, and two other friends.  Prince Edward Island is known for its beaches, and this day...with the sun beating down, a light breeze, a bright blue sky, and soft sand between my toes...I knew why.  

My body was behaving reasonably well at this time, although I still don't think I was holding down a job.  Jon and I wandered into the salty cold water, which I find the most healing substance on Earth.  Jon started spinning me around, weightless in the water, and all of a sudden I felt as though I could feel every emotion that a human being could feel all at the same time through the waves - despair, elation, fear, anticipation, etc...  It was overwhelming but magical all at the same time.  The one time I felt truly connected to something - my body, the Earth.  

It probably sounds crazy.  Maybe it is.

Does anyone else want to share a single moment that moved them this much?  Or tell me if I'm losing my marbles?

ALSO:  My post is up at PFAM at Leslie's Blog Getting Closer To Myself.  There are some amazing articles in there!

xoxo,

Annie

Raising A Little Awareness...

I don't expect many people to watch this as it is 9 minutes long.

But if you want to know more about ME/CFS - this is a really striking video that can help others understand the variety of pain and the stigma we are facing.  The last part gets a bit preachy, but it is still understandable depending on the severity of the illness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0w9-eQ_fKQ

Since that is depressing, I will make the rest of the post more amusing.

Images from ffffound.com

I'm currently trying to fight my way through a massive novel - I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb.

It's almost too heavy to hold up and flip the pages, but the content is making it worth my while.  Sadly, I sometimes get fog and can't remember what I read on the last few pages, but I'm sure it will all come together in the end.  It really hits home with what families go through when a family member is severely mentally ill (assuming your family is moderately dysfunctional and abusive...).

I'm thinking I need a project.  Something to make me convinced that getting out of bed in the morning is a good thing.  This blog is the only thing I accomplish.  Anyone have any good ideas?

xoxo,
Annie

Things That Bug Me Mondays

I'm still running on a natural high of having the best blog readers/commenters EVER, so it will be tricky to get out all my rants in one go here.  So let me put on my grumpy face and get started! (That sounds absolutely ridiculous, I know).

Image from ffffound.com

• The mass amount of pain I'm in tonight!
• Not having any energy!  I don't think I could do much more laying down if I tried.  I'm like a robot where someone pulled out the plug.  *Error 15 - going into sleep mode...click...click*
• Dragon Age.  It's on my TV all the time.  Is it wrong that even though I don't want Jon to go back to work when the weekend is over, I look forward to not having to watch video games?? 
• The fact that there is not a magical food pill yet.
• My flowers are dying...this is why I buy plastic flowers.  I mean I lost my sense of smell anyways, so why not?
• There is a cyst scab on my chin that I have managed to rip open about 882 times and then proceed to cover in a band-aid and Polysporin.  Can anyone say upcoming infection if I don't cut it out?
• Boredom.  I mean I am pretty good at keeping myself entertained for how often I spend in this apartment.  Alas, I can hardly pay attention to a book or movie long enough to take in any of it.  If I didn't have the Internet, I would be one depressed girl.
• Not having any Mocha Cappuccino protein drink in the fridge for tomorrow morning.  That stuff tastes so, so yummy.
• Stalking my friends' blogs and being sad that they have lives and don't update as often as I do haha.

image from ffffound.com

Those are all of the problems I can come up with (that are not redundant and health-related!).  What about everyone else?  Anything gear-grinding going on???

xoxo,

Annie

Sad Face

Skin hypersensitivity sucks.
I can't even wear a sweater without wanting to scream.
Not looking forward to laying in bed.
Blargh.

That is all.

A Public Apology

Today I feel like making a public apology.

To anyone and everyone whose situation I have ever thought I understood.  Those who I attempt to understand and give advice for, at least my heart is in the right place.  But throughout my years, there have been people whose motives I thought I could follow, reasons in my mind of why people would do the things that they do.  Sometimes I still get caught up in thinking like that.  I'm sorry for this.

The sheer number of experiences that mold a single human life are enormous.  I mean, half of my own I can't even remember!

I have a love/hate relationship with the human brain.  If I thought I could handle going back to school, it would be all I would want to study.  I'm ashamed at what it has managed to do to me, but also amazed at its limitless power.

Sorry for the weird rant but I've been really reflective.  Shutter Island is an incredible film (far surpassing the novel) and it has been making me think of my brain non-stop.

Also, a special shout-out to the lovely Sarah and Adam for putting up with my hypo-manic ramblings of last night after seeing the movie haha.  I upped my own meds so that would be my bad (sorry mom!!).  Just tired of being epically depressed.

Anyways, I recommend the not squeamish to go take a look at this.  Maybe it will send you off into over-thinking mode like it has with me.

xoxo,
Annie

Appointment Update!

So I had my doctor's appointment.

Maybe I'm just too excited about seeing Shutter Island later, but the Hillsborough Hospital scares the bajeepers out of me.  Even though it's in use, it manages to feel abandoned.  There is virtually nothing on the walls and the vibes given off by everything are so negative.  Plus it is designed like a maze, which is not good for me when I have the memory of a goldfish.  By my description, you can tell I was having a nervy spaz before I even saw the doctor.

On the plus side...he was nice!  He took me very seriously, and asked a lot of questions not asked by my other doctors.  He chose not to prescribe any new medications, but bumped up another appointment to a month from now.  A CT scan is going to be ordered for my head so we can see what all is going on in there.

Either way, I am pleasantly surprised to not be passed over again.

I doubt they are going to find anything super explanatory, but at least there is a sense of hope again.

I wish wonderful weekends to everyone!!

xoxo,
Annie

Love Me Fridays

Wow, either the weeks are going by really fast or really slow and I'm not entirely sure which.  This is the joy of living life in a fog while currently unemployed.

Now it is time for my positive spin on the week:

• Marathons of Project Runway, inspired by Miss Robyn.  I'm pretty sure I could spend my entire life getting sucked into that show.
• Watching Taking Woodstock with my lovely friend Sarah.  Dreaming of being a hippy, although I'm pretty sure she already qualifies haha.  Also, her new positive spin on life which is pretty much the best thing ever.
• Having a doctor's appointment tomorrow - always the chance for hope!
• Naps.  I've been having a lot of naps this week.
• Apple juice.  Also, Vanilla Chai.  I've been rocking the beverages instead of food this week.
• The fact that I got flowers from Jon for Valentine's day and from my friend Leslie, as she loves me even in my sickly state.  I don't think I've ever had this many flowers!
• Jon is playing Hawksley Workman songs as I write this :)
• My little sister comes home for a visit next week!!
• Body butter.  Any kind.  The winter is KILLING my skin.  My poor cuticles need help!
• Pictures of quotes I like!

Images from WeHeartIt.

What's making everyone else's week this week???

xoxo,
Annie

Sugar Doll Award

I got a little pick me up from the wonderful Nancy over at Chronic Connection, as she gave me The Fabulous Sugar Doll Blogger Award!  I've never managed to have any of these things thrown my way, so it's kind of exciting :).

In accepting the award, I am to list 10 Things About Myself 

1.  My favorite things in life (minus a few people) are brand new books and glossy magazines.

2.  I am absolutely terrified of becoming stuck in a life like this where I can never fully feel capable of anything.

3.  My boyfriend is my best friend and the funniest person I have ever met.  I met him because of a rather forward phone call on my part and we've really never been apart since.

4.  It often disturbs me that I make more friends and relate better to the young people in the psych ward of a hospital than I do out and about in the world.

5.  I have a fear of food.  

6.  I love daydreaming about indulgent things I could have, places I could go, and lives I could live.  Sometimes I wish I had the energy to write them down because I could be a pretty good storyteller.

7.  I have two tattoos and often want more.

8.  I spend roughly 12 hours a day on the Internet which can't be healthy...but I don't have cable tv, so what's a girl to do?

9.  I have a red birthmark that everyone seems to think is a hickey.

10.  I feel like I have no concept of reality as everything changes from hour to hour.

It is now my turn to shower other fellow bloggers with the Sugar Doll Award.

If I have picked your blog, please post the award on your blog and pay it forward, and then leave a comment on the person’s blog to let them know.  I want to read details about my favorite people!!!

I choose to award:

Robyn (How Are You?...and Other Dumb Questions) 

Assiya (For A Fairer Today)

Elisabeth (Redefining Good)

Maureen (Mo is Blogging...I Think)

Hope it brings a little cheer to your day!


xoxo,
Annie

Life With a Side of Illness or Illness With a Side of Life?

Illness has everything to do with my entire life.

I could lie.  I could say that there are moments that life is a breeze, that I get up and go about my day without any interference or reflection on the fact that I am sick.  That is what I think people often want me to say.  Alas, this is not the case.

I have no idea when my good moments or bad moments are going to show up.  My health changes from hour to hour, making it impossible to fully commit to plans.  Work is a big issue here, and one I've found myself consistently unable to maintain.  When I go anywhere (even for a short visit!), I have to pack a bag of medications and special food.  My illness is almost like a child, intertwined so close with me that I have to look after its every move, as I naturally want it to be the best it can become.

Some of the thoughts constantly on my mind:

• What exactly is this illness (as my doctors give a diagnosis, but never seem quite sure...)?
• What can I do to reduce symptoms?
• Again, I'm not going to lie...once in a blue moon, I ask why me?  Am I going to die from this?
• What are these drugs doing to my body and mind?
• What can I possibly eat that isn't another meal replacement shake?

Of course, when a good moment shows up...I treasure it.  I even try to make the bad health moments special, as they show up more than I want.  I push the question as far back in my mind as it will go, but really I'm wondering - when do I crash down again??

But a life with illness is still a life.  One I choose to live and enjoy.

xoxo,
Annie

Monotony

Chilling out on the couch is something I am so good at, I think it deserves awards.  Actually, I just made myself sound lazy and that is the absolute numero uno thing I am terrified that everyone thinks and therefore am paranoid.

I watched The Blind Side not expecting much.  

Holy feel good movie of the year people!  You don't even have to remotely like football to have your heart ripped out, stomped on, and then put back in and made to grow three sizes.  For awhile I was like...Sandra Bullock - Oscar nomination???  She really is something else in this.  

I also saw An Education (also fantastic!!) and have developed the biggest girl crush on Carey Mulligan.  She is so many levels of awesome and also makes me feel wayyy better about rockin' short hair!

Also, lately I have been wishing I could buy absolutely everything off of Anthropologie, but I am poor and make no money.

Internet shopping may be one of the most fun ways to spend one's free immobile time though. 

Random Amusement

Also, if you like hilarious pet videos - this is a good one!

xoxo,

Annie

Needing Advice!

So I'm feeling dilemma-ish and would like some input from my most beloved blog readers.

I see a new doctor on Saturday.  It's a short appointment (only a half hour instead of the regular hour), so I have to be quick with trying to get my point across as I don't have another chance for 3 months.

My general practitioner and main psychiatrist both gave up on looking for any more answers or offering me any more treatment.  I have numerous other specialists, but they are not in this location and unlikely to bother in my quest for assistance.

This is a new psychiatrist - which is good, because they give drugs that work whether this is a physical disorder with mental symptoms or a mental disorder with physical symptoms.

What information do I need to get across to him in order to get any kind of help?!?!
- symptoms
- drugs taken
- the fact that no one can decide what I have and have therefore declared I have a million non-treatable disorders?
- therapy taken
- meditation, healthy eating, and yoga practiced

I need someone to get on some better pain management, and if it doesn't happen what do I do?

Go every single day to the emergency room or clinic and raise a fuss?
Check myself into a psych ward?
Eat an entirely liquid diet from this point forward?
Go look for street drugs?

I'm at a loss and worrying, so any advice on how to present to this doctor would be much appreciated.

(middle image - WeHeartIt, last image - unknown)

xoxo,
Annie

Things That Bug Me Mondays

I would say the weekend is over but it's not!  It's Islander Day!  A completely random holiday created because February is too depressing of a month!

So yeah, now times for things I want to be cranky about.

• Pain (I had a 14 hour migraine that was less than stellar).
• I started puking again.
• I ate fast food.  It was gross but I did it anyways.  The peanut buster parfait was pretty good though.  (Update: it's okay, it didn't stay down).
• Movies that I don't like:  Funny People just didn't do it for me.
• The huge mess of my apartment as I have not felt well enough to clean it.
• The fact that soy sauce was spilled on my cross-stitch (but we might have gotten it out!)
• The fact that iTunes went and updated by itself therefore removing all the changes I had made to it.
• People that aren't nice.
• Waiting the few days before my doctor's appointment and worrying that it will go nowhere.
• Researching psychoneuroimmunology.
• The idea of having to cook in order to procure food.
• The fact that my parents went away to Florida and now I miss them haha.

and yeah.  That sounds like about enough.  Anything anyone want to get off their chests??

xoxo,
Annie

How I'm Feeling: Quote

"I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet"
~ Mahatma Gandhi

Valentine's Day Pt. 2

Lots of love.  Including a love cactus.  And some love puking...oh wait, that's not part of the love.  Add in sleeping in until 2:30 p.m.

Now we will continue.

xoxo,
Annie

Valentine's Day...

I could write something long about the fact that it is just about Valentine's Day and that I have the best boyfriend in the world, but that is pretty much a given.

So I'm just going to take the weekend to relax and enjoy the love.  

I will give updates of the goodies later.

Hope everyone is feeling lots of love from everyone special in their lives!!  I send love to all of you! :)

Here are some completely unrelated comics for smile purposes! 

Love Me Fridays

Another week has come to an end.

I'm starting to not be able to tell them apart as nothing changes.  Nerve pain is radiating up my back and down my legs.  I am only up for a few hours on end.  But nevertheless, there are people far worse off than me.  So let's get down to being thankful.

• Movies for filling in my lack of a social life.  In the last couple of days I have watched:

• I have to give a super big recommendation for Up in the Air, as it touched my heart in a way no movie has in a long, long time.
• Pretty blankets.  I have a homemade quilt and knitted blanket surrounding me, and it's oh so nice.
• The new issue of Glamour with Victoria Beckham.  I love her.  And spring clothes [I'm so sad that Alexander McQueen died :(]. 
• Pastel purple (lavender) is my color of choice at the moment.
• Putting bobby pins in my now short hair...for some reason I find them cute.
• Chili from a can, which is pretty much the food from which I've been surviving.
• Laying under a hot shower.
• Kittens and puppies even though I don't have any
• This video made me laugh a lot: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXRH50fvHWA

What about everyone else...what is making life more tolerable (or even enjoyable!) this week???