I could lie. I could say that there are moments that life is a breeze, that I get up and go about my day without any interference or reflection on the fact that I am sick. That is what I think people often want me to say. Alas, this is not the case.
I have no idea when my good moments or bad moments are going to show up. My health changes from hour to hour, making it impossible to fully commit to plans. Work is a big issue here, and one I've found myself consistently unable to maintain. When I go anywhere (even for a short visit!), I have to pack a bag of medications and special food. My illness is almost like a child, intertwined so close with me that I have to look after its every move, as I naturally want it to be the best it can become.
Some of the thoughts constantly on my mind:
- What exactly is this illness (as my doctors give a diagnosis, but never seem quite sure...)?
- What can I do to reduce symptoms?
- Again, I'm not going to lie...once in a blue moon, I ask why me? Am I going to die from this?
- What are these drugs doing to my body and mind?
- What can I possibly eat that isn't another meal replacement shake?
Of course, when a good moment shows up...I treasure it. I even try to make the bad health moments special, as they show up more than I want. I push the question as far back in my mind as it will go, but really I'm wondering - when do I crash down again??
But a life with illness is still a life. One I choose to live and enjoy.